Thursday, March 19, 2009

Emotional wreck

It's 30 minutes past midnight and I'm still awake regardless of how early I have to get up in the morning to get ready for Ethan's visit with his Earlystart teachers. Ethan is still up. He tends to fall asleep around 10 or 11 and then wakes up an hour or so later. His dietician is so concerned about his weight and thinks that his sleeping habits might be a factor. He will be 2 years old next month (4/25) and he is only 17 pounds. He's truly our little man. He hasn't been wanting to drink out of a bottle lately so his pediatrician is recommending that we get a G-tube placed in his belly again. =( I'm praying that he will come around and drink as much Pediasure as possible. He FINALLY started drinking out of his bottle today so I'm hoping that he keeps it up. But I don't know if I should get my hopes up cause when I feel like Ethan is taking a step forward, he takes one step back and falls further behind. Please pray for him!

I've been on edge lately. Sometimes I miss Emily so much that I'll sit there with Ethan in my arms..crying..wishing that I was holding the both of them. She would have been a little over 5 weeks today and I wonder what she would have looked like. She was so beautiful when she was born and I could only imagine how her beauty would have flourished as she got older. I wonder if she would have looked like me when I was a baby. This is so hard...

My sister is pregnant and she had 2 miscarriages prior to this pregnancy. I'm hoping and praying that everything turns out okay for my sister's sake. I don't know if she can endure another loss.

I was thinking today about all of the clothes that were given to Emily at my babyshower and how I had washed and folded all of it, preparing for her arrival, just 2 days before that horrible day... It breaks my heart to see all of it because those clothes are hers... they were meant for her. I put a couple of outfits in her casket with her, but kept the rest. I should have thought to put everything in there because they're hers. It's going to be so hard to give it to someone else's baby.. *sigh* Gosh, I miss her so much.

(Subject jump)

I don't know how I will ever be able to become pregnant again. Throughout my pregnancy with Emily, I was so terrified and paranoid because I was scared that I would have another placental abruption. If or when we are ready to try again, I am going to be extremely, EXTREMELY terrified... I am going to want to hear my baby's heartbeat every minute and every second out of the day. It'll be so nerve-wrecking.

I apologize for being so disorganized, but this is what my mind has been like lately. There are days where I feel like I'm thinking of 1,000,001 things. When will my mind be anywhere close to what it use to be..


Ebe said...

Oh my goodness, I'm looking at your sweet Emily Anne. She's so beautiful!

I am so sorry that today is so hard. I was up last night too. I remember in the beginning how I never slept at night.

Thinking of you and your Emily today,