Monday, April 27, 2009

Pictures can say a thousand words.

Why can't I find those words to describe this pain....

Friday, April 24, 2009

Stuck, with no where to go.

I haven't posted in a week, even though I wanted to. I just feel like there's nothing left of me and I'm just living day to day. I try my best to be normal.. still live my life and let Emily Anne live through me. But it's hard.

Our little man, Ethan Jordan, turns 2 tomorrow! We had a birthday party for him last night at Chuck E Cheese's and the turnout was great!

Ethan had a follow-up doctor's appointment with the surgeon that inserted his G-tube. Our appointment was at 3:15PM. We arrived a few minutes before 3 and we didn't get called in til about 4:15.. Ethan was measured and weighed and then we waited til about 5:00 to see the doctor and all she did was take out his stitches... We waited TWO HOURS. I was so upset. But I guess at the clinic, other doctors only see 7 patients throughout the day. Dr. Butler (the surgeon) had to see 22 patients yesterday cause she is only at the clinic once a week.

While we were waiting to be called in.. I was sitting there and there were tons of parents with their babies surrounding us. Most were babygirls... And there was also one little girl that was wearing a cute little purple polka-dotted dress. It was the same dress that my friend Julie bought for Emily. The same dress that is stashed away with the rest of the her clothes that she will never wear. I felt so trapped because here I am... grieving over the loss of my daughter and seeing babies everywhere did not help me at all. Tears filled my eyes as I started to think about what Emily would be doing now.. would she have a crazy personality and want all of our attention or would she have been the most mellow baby ever..

I took a few deep breaths so that no one would think I was crazy for crying while waiting to be called in for a follow-up.

I haven't gone to the cemetary to visit Emily since last week and I've been feeling like I've been missing something and I realized that going to visit her and replacing her flowers frequently brings back memories of the day that I had her... the day that was filled with so much joy and more sorrow. But I had her... I got to hold her in my arms... I got to kiss her soft little chubby cheek... and I'm thankful for that. Many mothers aren't able to hold their little ones.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Precious child

I found this video on YouTube and it perfectly describes how I feel.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


It's late.. I should be sleeping, but here I am... lurking around other blogs and thinking about our Emily, as usual. Ethan's surgery is tomorrow. I'm nervous and I'm hoping that everything goes well and he won't have to spend more than one night in the PICU.

I stumbled upon a blog (the blog world for grieving mothers is GREAT and has been exceptionally helpful to me) and instead of doing 25 random things on facebook the normal way, she did it the bereaved way. So I thought I should it too. So here it goes.

25 facts (give or take) about my pregnancy, my labor, and our baby girl, Emily Anne.

1. | I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was almost 5 months pregnant. It was October 6, 2008. My due date was March 7, 2008. I know, how could I have not known!!!!

2. | I had plenty of girl names picked out, but we narrowed it down to 2. Kaelynn Marie and Emily Anne. While my good friend Julie and I were shopping for my baby shower invitations, Emily Anne was the name on a sample birth announcement. That day, our minds were set on Emily Anne and I'm glad we chose that name... the name of an angel. :)

3.| My baby shower was on January 24, 2009. I was exactly 34 weeks pregnant. Emily kicked at my ribs the whole time.

4.| On February 6, 2009, I had my 36 week check-up. I felt her kicking that morning. This was the day we found out our babygirl no longer had a heartbeat. I had no words and I even asked the doctors if they were sure. They showed me the ultrasound and where there is usually a little flickering speck... there was no movement. The doctors showed it to me when I asked them to make sure again when I went to the hospital.

5.| I was induced on 2.6.09 at about 7PM. I delivered Emily on 2.8.09 at 1:40AM. Nearly 31 hours laboring for our babygirl who we wouldn't hear cry when she arrived..

6. | Emily Anne DeCastro was born on February 8, 2009 at 1:40AM weighing in at 4lbs. 15.8ounces and measured 19 inches long. We didn't know the reason for her death until she was delivered. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck 4 times and so tight.. that there was no longer any blood in the cord.

7.| Emily definitely had her dad's height, but she had my features; round face, big cheeks, button nose. She was so tall and lanky... with big beautiful eyes, eyebrows and LONG eyelashes that were already visible.

8.| My wonderful nurse, Leanne, cried with our family when she saw Emily. She said that she has never seen the cord wrapped around a baby that many times before.

9.| Emily Anne's viewing was held on 2.17.09 and her burial was on 2.18.09 (my mom's birthday) on a sunny day that was suppose to be rainy. She was wearing a cute little summer dress and pink cardigan that my sister bought for her and she was wearing cute little booties that Auntie Ronalyn bought for her. She was buried with a bunny from Uncle Andy, a giraffe from Auntie Lisa, an outfit from Auntie Kim, an outfit from Auntie Jen and Uncle John, 2 bottles and a pacifier that I had bought for her just 1 week before, and a winnie the pooh blanket from Great Auntie Kathy that had her named embroidered on it.

10.| I used to be scared to go to the cemetary.... scared to even just drive by one. But now I feel comfortable going alone. It saddens me that my daughter's death is what helped me get over my fear.

11.| I have cried everyday since her birth and death.. The amount of tears are generally less on some days.

12.| I love talking about her. So please don't feel uncomfortable if you happen to bring her up by accident. Or don't hesitate to ask about her.

13.| I hate those general responses... like "It'll be okay." "I know how you feel." If you have not lost your child, you will never know how it feels.

14.| We still have all of her clothes that we received from the baby shower.. tucked away under Ethan's crib and some more in a container in our closet. I washed and folded everything just 2 days before I was induced..

15.| My heart aches when I see babies, especially baby girls... which is literally everywhere I go. But it also makes me smile... possibly giving me hope that I will one day be able to hold our perfectly healthy third child.

16.| I always look through babygirl clothes before I go shopping for Ethan.

17.| I am positive that Emily would've been a gymnast. I felt her literally doing tumbles inside my belly.

18.| I don't think I've hit the worst part of grieving yet. I am still in the early stages.

19.| Emily is the 2nd granddaughter in our family. My niece is 12 so you can imagine how excited we were for her arrival.

20.| We don't have any pictures of her visible in our room. Not because we wanna forget her, but because it's extremely painful for me. I think seeing her pictures online and on everyone's profiles is enough for me.

21.| My calendar for the month of February/March is still up. I can't bring myself to erase it and write in the days for April because it has the day we were suppose to attend our childbirth class 2.7.09 and her due date 3.7.09

22.| On most days, I blame myself for her death... thinking that I could've done something to prevent it.

23.| It took me over a month to figure out what I wanted written on her grave marker.

24.| She would have been 2 months and 1 week old today.

25.| What I miss about her most: waking up to her kicks and tumbles.

A lot of these things are random, and I will one day put more thought and effort into editing this. But for now... at 1AM... this is what comes to mind.

Referring to #12 and the title to this entry...

I saw Maryanne on Friday night when I went to visit my Edgie's family. It was first time I've seen her since Emily's death. She hugged me and asked me how I was doing... of course it meant not how I was doing today, but how I was doing in general. I then said I'm doing okay.. and she talked about how she was so shocked when she saw my pictures posted of Emily and I could tell that tears were stinging her eyes as I talked a little of what happened. She didn't ask me what happened. I just told her. Because I know how hard it is to ask someone what happened knowing that it brings back painful memories. But I love talking her. There are days where it is harder than others to talk about Emily... but it helps me. A lot. So please... I reassure you that I'm okay with talking about her. I will gladly spill my heart out to you if you ask of me. I'm not sure if I make sense.

It's late.

Happy Tuesday.

Love, Wendee

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter

I miss my Emily. Especially today. It's Easter. It would have been her very first Easter and her very first egg hunt, even if she is only 2 months old. I think all holidays will be hard for me because something will always be missing. Our angel baby will always be missing from our family pictures. I held back my tears today when I went shopping for some things to put on her grave. There are times where I don't even have the words to describe how I feel. Even now.. in all my blogs, I'm lost and I can never find the right words to express myself.

I am still encountering some friends that are not aware of our situation or what happened with Emily. I saw an old co-worker at Best Buy when I went to drop off some soup for my sister and he said to me,"How are your kids?" It was like taking a bullet... I just answered back, "They're fine." He doesn't know that our daughter is gone. He just knows that I had her and he thinks that everything is fine. But everything isn't fine.. everything is empty and different.

I also saw someone yesterday that I haven't seen in a couple of months. So, the last time I saw him.. I was still pregnant with Emily. And he just asked me how I was doing and then he says, "You have two now, right?" and I answered,"I do have two, but one is in heaven." It's hard to say that... I don't think it gets any easier.

On another note, I love it when friends and family say that they have gone to visit Emily. She was so very special and we were all anxious to meet her. It's unfortunate that as soon as we said hello, we had to say goodbye. But I'm glad that she has made a difference in our lives and I'm not the only one that misses and remembers her. So for that, I thank each and every one of you for thinking of her and visiting her. It is very much appreciated. I also love it when I go visit her grave and there are little gifts left by others. I don't know who leaves them, but if you are reading this.. thank you so much. :)

Happy Easter.

<3, Wendee

Friday, April 10, 2009


Dreams are all I have of our sweet Emily Anne. I dreamed of her last night. But I have a tendency to wake up remembering my dreams and then 5 minutes later... that memory is completely gone.

It was a happy dream. I was happy with Emily in my arms. That's all I can remember.

An update on Ethan:
Ethan has been doing well. We got discharged on Saturday afternoon. He hasn't been needing a lot of suctioning of his nose and mouth, which is really good. He still kind of coughs up phlegm every now and then, but is good about not choking on it. He stops his antibiotics on Sunday and has surgery on Tuesday. In addition to inserting a gastrostomy tube, the surgeon is also going to do a Nissin fundoplication. Basically, the fundoplication allows anything to go into his stomach, but nothing can go back up. That way, he can't aspirate anything into his lungs and develop pneumonia again. They did an upper GI X-ray and found that Ethan was refluxing anything that was going down his esophagus. I hope and pray that after the surgery, he recovers quickly and is able to get off the respirator in time for his 2nd birthday on the 25th! He's getting so big and he looks more and more like a little man everyday.

It's been raining which means it's snowing. I haven't been able to go snowboarding at all this season. We did go to Tahoe in the beginning of the year, but I was pregnant with Emily, so I stayed off the slopes. Hopefully I'll be able to go at least once before the snow melts.

I'm sorry. I'm scattered all over the place.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Two months.

Happy 2 months to our angel baby, Emily Anne. <3

Friday, April 3, 2009


I'm angry. At everything. At the world. At myself...

Ever since Emily Anne was born on February 8, 2009.. friends and also friends of friends have been delivering perfectly healthy babies. I know of not one... not two... but six other babies that were born completely healthy. Two of which were twins. I can't help but to be jealous. Jealous that I was not able to hear my baby cry after 29 hours of laboring for her... Jealous that their car ride home was full of joy and happiness.. and ours was full of sorrow and emptiness. I cannot sit here any longer and tell myself that this is okay. This is unfair. I would have given my little Emily the world. I was so ready for her. So prepared for her arrival. I was ready to have mother-daughter time while Ethan and Erwin had father-son time. I was ready to have a perfect little family of four. Am I being unreasonable? I'm being selfish and I'll openly admit it. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for my friends and I wish them the best of luck. I am also grateful for what I already have, my Ethanbaby. But this is really unfair and I wanna scream it at the top of my lungs so the whole world knows... They say that God won't give you anything that you can't handle. But did He have to make it this hard? Why did Emily's fate have to include her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck 4 times?

But we'll never know why... I am hoping that I will one day find peace.. Til that day.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Crumbling down...

Here we are again.. less than a week later. Ethanbaby is in the hospital again. After being discharged on Friday, Ethan was throwing up his bolus feeds that were going through his NG-tube. We called the nurse and she said she didn't know why he would be throwing up and maybe we should try feeding him slower. So we did, and he did okay. He then developed a fever of 102 on Saturday. I took him to urgent care on Sunday and they said that his lungs sounded really good and he probably just has a respiratory virus. So we get sent home and given a follow up appointment the following day.

To make a long story short, Ethan has had a fever for 5 days now and was admitted into the hospital last night because they found that he had a little bit of pneumonia in the upper area of his right lung. My poor baby! I was so upset yesterday because although he aspirates his solid food, he was always really good about protecting his airway and coughing anything that got into it. Since they put the NG-tube in, it looks like he's been refluxing and has not been able to control his secretions. The NG-tube was suppose to make things better and keep him away from getting pneumonia, but it looks like it only made things worse. I think he would've been okay with oral feeds until his surgery on Tuesday, April 7th. Once again he has the doctors stumped. They don't know what exactly caused the pneumonia. They can only make some guesses by process of elimination.

As of this afternoon, Ethan no longer has a fever and is being given antibiotics for his pneumonia. They have him on a continuous feed through the Kangaroo pump throughout the day and he has been tolerating it well. I hate seeing him the hospital. But he's showing little signs of improvement. He's being a tough little guy, like always.

To add to all of this chaos, I am also sick. I've had a cough for about a week now AND I have allergies. So, it's a double whammy for me. Yesterday, I just felt so weak and I felt like I wanted to give up. There were so many things go on inside of my head. When I was talking to the doctors, I started tearing up because I was just so frustrated and tired. It makes it even harder that we're in the same hospital that I delivered Emily in. I miss her. Everything about this place reminds me of her. I hope she's hovering right over her big brother and is giving him the strength to get through this. I'm crumbling. God help me.... please give me the strength and the ability to get through this...