Tuesday, May 26, 2009

It's a girl!

My older sister is pregnant and she is having a girl! I'm full of a lot of emotions. I'm seriously happy and ecstatic for her because she went through 2 miscarriages before this pregnancy. Everytime I go see Emily, I tell her to watch over her baby cousin to make sure that she's okay and as much as she wants another friend to play with in Heaven, we want her baby cousin to be here.

At the same time, it makes me a little sad because I just wish that Emily could be here... and our little girls could grow up together and be really close like my cousins and I. It's a little bittersweet.

We went to our friend's bbq yesterday and one of them said to Erwin and I,"When are you guys gonna have another kid? I wanna see you guys have a daughter." We do have a daughter... she's just not here with us. Then I said I'm not ready to have another baby. It hasn't even been 4 months yet. He said that stuff happens and that we should keep trying and that his mom had 2 miscarriages. And I said that it wasn't a miscarriage. If that cord wasn't around her neck and I delivered her, she would have survived as oppose to a baby that is less than 20 weeks. I'm not saying that babies under 20 weeks are less significant that babies that are over 20 weeks.. but she was almost full term. I got to cradle her in my arms. It just really hit the spot when he said that to me... as if Emily didn't exist. It hurt. A lot. He didn't realize it, but I sat there with tears stinging my eyes as I tried to hold myself together. I haven't felt like that in a while...

Friday, May 15, 2009

What hurts the most

I found this image on PostSecret. For those of you that don't know about it, this guy has people send in their secrets on a postcard and he publishes them. Some are just little secrets and some are HUGE secrets that are shocking. Everyone has secrets.

So this was sent in by Anonymous and when I read it, it hurt me a lot and I really don't know what. Possibly because I hate the fact that I can relate to it because I lost my baby.... and we did take pictures of her during her funeral. And this person doesn't understand what their friend or whoever is going through... What I'm trying to get at is if you don't understand what I'm going through, at least keep an open mind and know that Emily was still our baby. We took pictures of her because she is our baby and regardless of whether or not she was dead, those are the only pictures that we will ever have of her. We won't have pictures of her first smile, the first time she crawls or is able to sit on her own, or walks. We won't have that. The only pictures we have of her are lifeless. Her little body was lifeless. I won't have pictures that make me smile because she's smiling in it.

I only have pictures of her... with her eyes closed... her cold skin, no smiles... And that's what hurts the most.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Officially missing you

I had a dream last night.

I dreamed that I was pregnant again.. and that we lost the baby, again.

This terrifies me. I will never be able to be pregnant with our third without worrying every second and every minute of everyday during my pregnancy, that something will go terribly wrong.

I told my best friend about my dream and I told him that I can't even carry a child to 40 weeks and deliver them safely into world. I can't even go past 36 weeks for that matter. And he said do you think there's a test that tells you if you can have babies. I can definitely have babies... I just can't bring them to term.

Mother's day came and went. It was easy, but hard at the same time. I'm at ease knowing that one day I will spend Mother's Day with Emily in my arms. One day I will hold her again. I wait patiently for that day.