Monday, June 15, 2009

It's so hard....

As I get further and further away from the day that I saw my babygirl... the harder it gets. It gets to the point where I dunno what to do to help myself... I cry, but it doesn't really help. I keep telling myself that if I would just pull out her clothes, maybe it'll give me closure or something. Sometimes I feel like I was never pregnant or that I never had a daughter because she's not here... because we only have one crib now as oppose to 2.... because I still have an unopened bouncer and a bunch of newborn diapers. It hurts soooooo much and I don't know what to do.

I recently started working so I don't have a lot of time to go visit Emily anymore. Not as much as I use to. Ethan is getting so big so it's hard to take him anywhere. So, most of the time we just stay home.

She would have been 4 months old. Probably in a size 2 diaper, wearing size 3 - 6 months... probably size 2 in shoes cause she had big feet.... she probably would've been smiling at us like she did when we did the 3D/4D ultrasound. Her personality would've been coming out. Probably outrageous like me and mellow like her daddy. I imagine she would've been just like me... grumpy when she's sleepy and hungry, sleeping all day long... crazy when she's hyper and awake... then she would have her lazy days where she isn't in the mood for anything. My mini me. Gosh I miss her. I've thought about writing letters to her. Sounds weird right? But it has always been easier for me to write down my words than saying them.

Emilybaby... we haven't and will never forget about you. I miss & love you. Watch over your big brother. He needs your help.

Love, Mommy.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Grief is taking over

It's settling in as today marks the 4th month since the death and birth of our babygirl. I don't know how to handle it. God help me...