Monday, August 17, 2009

It's been a while

I haven't been blogging lately. Not because I don't have anything to say... but because everything that I want to blog about is always the same thing. I miss Emily. I saw a babygirl today and she reminded me of Emily.

My sister is now 32 weeks pregnant and it has been confirmed that she's having a girl. Little Mikayla Lynne. Before I lost Emily, I was always so excited to touch a pregnant woman's belly and feel her baby kicking away inside her. Now... when I see my sister, I feel nothing. I don't wanna touch her belly or even hear about the baby kicking. I think I just feel like if it's not my baby that will be delivered healthy and well.... then I don't want to create a bond with it. Or I just feel so much pain when I do feel a baby kicking cause that was the last thing I felt of our little Emily. I felt her kicking that morning... then just 8 hours later... no heartbeat. Her last movement was her kicking. That's it. It hurts a lot to think that I never got to hear my baby cry or breastfeed her when my milk started coming in.

I look at my stomach and there are still stretch marks from my growing baby inside me that never took a breath on this earth. Four years from now is when I want to try for another baby.. when Ethan is 6. I think that when I do get pregnant.... those 9 months will be harder than these 4 years....

Imy, Emilybaby.