So small, so sweet, so soon...

60 days and 60 nights..

2011-11-29T18:51:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow will be two months since Ethan passed away. Sixty whole days without my baby. I remember missing him sooo much just being away from him overnight or for the weekend. Sixty days makes the weekend seem like nothing. It makes me wish that it was only the weekend or a couple of nights with Lola and Lolo that Ethan was away from us.

You would think that it gets easier as time goes on. For me, it hasn't. It's been hard, really hard. Sure, I live life like I normally would. I go to work, I go out with friends, etc. But then there are those moments. Those moments where I get a burn in my neck and my eyes start to water. Those moments where I miss Ethan so much that it my body literally aches. Those moments where I would think that if I could have one wish, I would wish to be able to hold him again just for a little while. Those moments are hard.

Ethan's crib is still left untouched. I can't bring myself to put it away. I don't think Erwin can either. His diaper bag still has his change of clothes in there and an extra g-tube. His medicine is still in the cabinet. His clothes are still tucked away in the tallest dresser dedicated to his massive amount of clothes. It's all still there. He's still there. Everywhere we go.

I still get the feeling that I need to go pick him up and that I have to bring an extra jacket for him because it's freezing in San Jose. On Sundays, we use to pick him up before his Lolo went to church. At around 7:00pm on Sundays, I'm still programmed to think that we have to go get Ethan. Is this normal? Am I just going through the stages of grief?

Thanksgiving came and went. I have a huge family so of course it was crazy and hectic. Although Ethan wasn't mobile, he still made his presence. That was definitely missing this Thanksgiving. This holiday season will definitely be a hard one for me. I always had the joy of opening Ethan's gifts for him because he couldn't. How am I going to handle watching all of my nieces and nephews open gifts?

Dear Ethan,

I miss you more than words can describe. Please be good for mommy and daddy and watch over your baby sister. Although you're not here physically, you're in my heart always. Come visit me in my dreams. I want to see you. I want to hear your voice. I want to see for myself that you're okay and that I can move on. It's so hard without you, Ethan. I love you so much that it hurts not having you here. But I know that you're in Heaven, where everything is perfect and it's "for real". You're not in pain anymore. Your daily routine won't involve medications and seizures. You can run around and play. Just make sure you're not too rough with Emily Anne! I love you two both very much. I can't wait to be able to hold you in my arms again.

Love,

Mommy

Remembering Ethan Jordan from AyyYoRae on Vimeo.

4, 3, 2..

2011-11-08T23:24:00.000-08:00

I never thought that I would be in this position. Ever. As you go through life, we all picture this perfect life, graduate high school, go off to college and meet the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with, get married and have children. Well, that's what the movies are like and it's what we all dream about. My life is definitely not like that. I wouldn't say that my life isn't normal because who are we to say that someone else's life isn't normal. Normal for you can be outrageous for another person and vice versa. I would say my life is normal, for my life, that is. However, life throws rocks at you. For me.. really BIG rocks.

I started this blog in 2009 after our precious baby angel, Emily Anne, was born into the arms of God. This was my escape; my place to vent to those that have gone through what I have gone through and can really relate to me. Many people will say, "I have kids too, so I know how you feel." Not to sound like a bitter baby loss mother, but no.. you do not know how I feel. Yes, you may know how it feels to have children, to nurture them and love them and raise them to be better than you are. You may think you know how you would feel if they were taken from your prematurely, but you have no idea.

We were a family of four at one point: me, Erwin, Ethan, and our little girl Emily Anne. When I was pregnant with her, I always thought to myself.. 'How lucky am I to be blessed with a boy and a girl. We're going to be the perfect family of four.' Little did I know that at 36 weeks gestation, our baby girl would die before she was even born. The books don't warn you about this stuff, or if they do, it's tucked away at the very back where most people don't read it. The books don't tell you that stillborns are more common than you think. So there I was, in an induced labor awaiting the arrival of our baby girl. No cries heard, no tiny hands wrapped around our fingers, no eyes staring back at you. So I labored for over 30 hours to deliver a babygirl that didn't have a heartbeat. I was crushed. I had never read about anyone losing their child before they born and I did not know anyone that had experienced what I was going through. How could this happen to me? My family was devastated. It was the first time my family experienced a loss so close to us. In the midst of the sadness and heartache, I had my family there to support me and go through with Erwin and I together.

So now, we were a family of three: me, Erwin, and our firstborn, Ethan Jordan. Since the day he was born, he has been a fighter and has continued to fight throughout his whole life. Through hospital visits, stomach flu, pneumonia, surgery, many many many doctor visits, seizures, infantile spasms.. he fought through it all. He is easily the strongest person that I know. He is my inspiration, my sanity, my everything. He fought for us.

On the morning of September 30, 2011, we woke up to the worst morning of our lives, by far. We always had a morning routine. I would wake up first and Erwin right after I did. I would hop in the shower and Erwin would get Ethan ready to go to his grandparents' house. That morning, I was running late.. I woke up and ran straight to the shower.

Before I stepped into the shower, I heard loud knocks on the bathroom door.
"WHAT?!" I said to Erwin with annoyance. (I was upset with him the night before).
"Ethan isn't breathing!"
"WHATT?!" I grabbed my robe and ran over to his crib. Ethan was in his crib, skin blue. I grabbed his hand and it was cold. I ran over to my sister's room and screamed that Ethan isn't breathing. I run back over, grabbed my phone and called 911. At that point, I was crying so hard, the operator probably couldn't hear what I was saying. I took a deep breath and told them where we lived. A woman got on the phone and had Erwin move Ethan to a flat surface, so we moved him to the floor. She gave Erwin directions to perform CPR while we waited for the ambulance to arrive. All I can remember is screaming and praying that Ethan would start breathing. I grabbed my phone charger, threw it in my purse, put my sweat pants and sweater on and I was ready to go the hospital. We were going to the hospital and he was going to be okay. He was going to fight through this like he always has.

The firetruck arrives first, and the ambulance arrives shortly after. We're shooed out to give the the paramedics room. We wait downstairs with an officer that had arrived about the same time the ambulance did. All I remember thinking is, it's too quiet. I heard defibrillators for a moment. And then here they come, one by one.. down the stairs without any good news. In my head, I was screaming, "No! No! This can't be happening!!" Our little Ethan, our fighter, our baby... he was gone. Four and half years old. Just four and a half years old.

A few other police officers had arrived. One of them explained to us that there was nothing that they can do. I can't even remember exactly what they said because I was just in utter shock and I couldn't absorb anything that was being told to me. We were told that we couldn't go up to see Ethan and we couldn't even get our phones that were in the room. I wanted to hold him so bad, to touch his soft skin and rub my cheek against his like I always did. I wanted to feel that I still had him. But I couldn't. We just had to wait. For what? We didn't even know.

My family started arriving one by one, all with tears in their eyes. Instead of being able to sit in the comfort of our home, everyone that wasn't inside the house at the time the event occurred had to wait in our garage instead. Our son's death was being treated like a homicide. I kept thinking, "Seriously? This is protocol?" It's not like the movies where we were able to hold him in our arms and sob. We were all stuck while our lifeless son was laying on the floor of our room and was being investigated like he was murdered. I felt hurt and offended because I felt like they had to investigate and gather evidence because we were the ones that did this to our son. The officers had to get statements from everyone that was in the house. It was like a crime scene. There were at least 6 cop cars outside of our home. The District Attorney and the homicide unit even showed up.

After a few hours passed, we were finally told that the coroner was on their way. As soon as the coroner did their investigation and gathered whatever they needed, we would be able to see Ethan, however, we couldn't touch him. Even my family that was waiting in the garage this whole time couldn't pass by and see him.

So there he was, my firstborn son, on a stretcher about to be transported to the coroner's office. I felt like I was stuck in a bad nightmare that was lasting forever. How could this happen? What happened? Was it our fault? Did he cry and we didn't hear him? These questions still run through my head everyday. We were told that the investigation and autopsy report can take up to 12 weeks for any results. Over a month later and still no results. So here I am, without any answers as to why my son is gone, why I can't hold him and kiss him and hug him and never let go.

And then there were two. Family of 4, then 3, then 2..

It's been a little over a month and I'm still at a point where sometimes I still don't believe it. I still sometimes feel like I have to go pick Ethan up from his grandparents. I still check the weather and think to myself, "It's cold. I have to make sure I dress Ethan warmly." I still check the rear-view mirror, even though Erwin took his car seat out. I still hear his feeding pump beeping. I still look at boy clothing when I go to Target. I still look over at his crib thinking he'll be there.

I miss him terribly. My life revolved around that little boy. All of my decisions were made based on that little boy. Now that he's gone, I feel lost. He was my sanity. But how can I be selfish and wish for him back? "Be strong, because Ethan was for a long time." I can only go on the fact that he's happy, he's pain free, and he's able to run, walk, and play like the little boy that he should have been.

To my dear Ethan, I love you and miss you every single day and that will never change. Watch over us and take care of your little sister. <3 Mommy

RIP Ethan Jordan DeCastro

April 25, 2007 - September 30, 2011

Almost two years..

2011-02-05T17:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't been on here forever. I've been so caught up with school and work that I don't even have time to sit down and write down my feelings. But I know I should and I need to. For myself.

As Emily Anne's 2nd birthday gets closer and closer, I find myself going back to the last few weeks that I had with her, the day that we found out she died before she was even born, my labor, and her funeral. I can't believe it's been two years. All the usual stuff triggers tears: sad movies, people dying, someone else crying, etc. But as her 2nd birthday approaches, the 2nd birthday that we have to celebrate without actually celebrating it, the tears come more frequently. I can only imagine how much of a character she would have been by now. She would have most likely going through the early stages of the terrible twos, running instead of walking, saying more words.. I wish we were able to witness her grow up. My heart aches for those moments. For her.

The happiness I use to feel for pregnant women has disappeared. All I feel is jealousy. Sadness. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and I silently sit there praying for them that they won't go through the same thing I did. I'm just jealous that I can't be back in that state of bliss, but at the same not being aware that these things do happen. Baby loss is such a taboo subject and I hate that it is because if it weren't, more women would be more aware of the bad things that could happen and maybe my type of situation could be prevented.

My older sister is pregnant again and I haven't touched her belly. I use to be the girl that always wanted to rub pregnant bellies and feel babies kick. That girl is no longer there. And I hate that. I want to be the girl that I use to be. I want to be the girl with both angels on earth and not one in heaven. I want to be able to hold my baby girl and and never let her go. But we all want a lot of things. I try to keep telling myself that it will be okay. I will be truly happy again one day. Until that day..

Time...

2010-08-11T00:50:00.001-07:00

It goes by so fast. Especially when you're counting the days since you last saw your baby. On 8/8/10, it was exactly 1 year and 6 months since I said "hello" to Emily and just an hour later, I had to say "goodbye". I miss her so much. I always wonder what she would have been like at this age. I imagine that she would have been all over the place by now; walking, getting into EVERYTHING. It kills me that I can't see her reach her milestones. My heart aches. It aches for my babygirl.

Ethan has been sick for a while now. He is constantly congested and his cough keeps coming back. I'm just glad that we haven't had a visit to the ER lately. Although we might have to schedule a visit to urgent care tomorrow since he's had a fever the past 2 days. *Sigh* It's neverending.

This is totally off tangent, but I needed to say it (or type it) somewhere. Ever since we lost our little Emily, I am soooo very sensitive to death. Everytime I watch a movie that involves death, I get this burn in my throat and my eyes gets watery. It burns even more when I try to hold it back and not have a meltdown next to the person I'm watching the movie with. I hope this gets easier. Right now, I feel like it never will. I cried enough tears in the last year and half that would last a lifetime. I just want to hold her and smell her again. Everytime I look back on the day that we said our final goodbyes and we had to bury our daughter, the smell of the funeral home haunts me. I can't get rid of that smell. Big BLAH!

Thanks for reading my vent. ♥

Rainbows

2010-07-23T15:12:00.000-07:00

Someone I know recently sent me this message on Facebook:

"There's this song that comes on the country stations called "If I Die Young" and I always think of you and your little girl every time I hear it. I wish you many rainbows. Hope you and Erwin are well and I pray Ethan's days are bright and fruitful."

I'm not an avid listener of country music, but I know a good song when I hear one.

This song really touched me and it brought tears to my eyes. And what made it that much better was that this person that I don't talk to took the time to message me to let me know she was thinking of me and our little angel. Thanks, B.

So I wanted to share this song with all of you in the babylost world. I hope this song touches you and makes you smile. I'm wishing for rainbows for all of us. ♥

Here's the song & video so you don't have to search it yourself.

"If I Die Young" by The Band Perry

"Lord, make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby"

Her story, part 2

2010-07-14T11:20:00.001-07:00

After being induced, we just had to wait. I had to lay there with my baby inside of me. My baby who no longer had a heartbeat.. who we would not hear cry after I gave that one final push. My baby who I just felt kicking that morning. It was very surreal to me. I would still put my hand on my stomach hoping maybe she was just giving us the biggest scare of our lives. Just hoping. My mom was urging me to have a c-section because she was so scared that something would happen to me if I kept a non-living baby inside of me. My dad felt the same way. But in order to give birth vaginally for future pregnancies, I had to deliver Emily the natural way.

My friends and family were there the whole time. My room was filled with at least 10 people. I was very lucky to be in such an understanding hospital and have kind, warm-hearted nurses that never said anything insensitive to me or my family. Normally, nurses and doctors will only allow 2 - 3 other people in the delivery room just in case something happens to the baby and they have to do an emergency procedure or something. But that wasn't the case. So there we were. Just waiting. Normally, you would be making phone calls, sending the text out that says,"It's the day! Baby Emily is on her way!" How do we add on "But she no longer has a heartbeat" So the only phone calls that were made were to my family and a few of my closest friends. Then the word just spread.

Throughout that night, I was able to sleep pretty well. I woke up really early that morning because I finally started feeling contractions. After about 11 hours after being induced, I was only 1cm dilated. The contractions weren't unbearable, but with the situation that I was in.. I didn't want to add any physical pain to the emotional pain that I was already in. So I decided to get the epidural.

When anesthesia came up, the nurses were switching shifts. From 7am - 3pm, my nurse was Katie. I will never forget her. She created a rainbow in the midst of a storm. She somehow made our situation so much easier to get through. I wanted her to be my nurse during my whole stay. All I kept thinking was "I wish all my nurses were like Katie."

Because I had a cesarean with my son, my doctor didn't want to force my uterus to do anything that would cause it to rupture and put me at risk. So, things were progressing very slowly.

Twenty-hours after being induced, I was only about 3 - 4 cms dilated. The doctor's prescribed another medication that would speed up a the process just a little bit. At 10pm (26 hours into labor), I was still 3 - 4 cms dilated. My doctor talked about going into having another c-section since I wasn't progressing very well. She later decided that since I was still young and I would still be able to have more babies in the future, she decided that we would wait.

At about 12AM, I started feeling a lot of pressure. "So this is what labor feels like huh?" I thought. The nurse checked to see if I had made any more progress. 8cms dilated. No wonder why it hurt so bad. By then, the epidural had worn off. My doctor ordered some more medication to help with the pain. Just a short hour labor, I was pushing.

Here it goes. This is what we've been waiting for right? I didn't know what to feel or what to think. I just did as I was told and I pushed. Normally, I'm a tough cookie. But as I was pushing... I wanted to give up. I think all that waiting and anxiety just got the best of me. At that point, the epidural was completely absent. I felt everything.

Forty minutes later; at 1:40AM on February 8th, 2009, baby Emily was born sleeping. When I gave that one final push, all I could see from the position I was laying in was my doctor uncoiling the umbilical cord. 1....2....3....4.... The cord was wrapped around her neck 4 times. Everyone in the room was crying. Even my nurse was crying. My brother, who I have never seen cry in my whole life, was crying. My nurse wrapped little Emily up and then put her into my arms. Her tiny, little lifeless body. No physical pain amounts to the pain that I felt in that moment when I was holding my babygirl. My babygirl that I lost before I even had her. I stared at her tiny little face, her pale skin and ruby red lips. I stroked her baby soft skin. She had that newborn smell. Her tiny little feet and long limbs (that she gets from her dad).. She was so perfect.

My doctor stepped out for a few moments to let us have our moment with our angel baby. Everyone in the room got to hold her for the first and last time. There were so many emotions and so many tears being shed at once. We were all waiting for her arrival, but we never imagined that it would be like this. I cannot begin to describe how low I felt at that moment.

To be continued...

Void

2010-07-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what has been going on with me or why I've been feeling what I'm feeling. I've stayed away from blogging for a while now just because I had no idea how to explain the state-of-mind that I was in.

The family and I went to go visit our little princess today. Now I know why I've stayed away for so long. My heart sinks every time we go visit her. It aches. I thought it would get easier, that I would get use to the feeling. I thought wrong. It has been getting harder and harder. The more days we have without her, the more it hurts. There's a void in my heart and I don't know when it will ever get filled.

I've been working a few days out of the week lately and I'll be going back to school in the fall. If things go as planned, I'll have my LVN certificate in 3 years. As I'm looking ahead to the future, finishing school, finally starting my career, I still feel like something is missing. Long story short, I would like to have another baby. Call me crazy.. I just gave birth to our daughter almost a year and a half ago. It's been emotionally tough without her. But I feel so empty. My arms are empty. Although having another baby won't bring back our Emily, it's what I've been wanting more than anything. Going to see Emily Anne today only made that longing for another baby stronger.

This can totally backfire on me. What if I have another baby and the feeling is just as strong, if not stronger? But it's what I've been really thinking about and it's what I really want. My other half doesn't totally agree with me. He wants me to finish school first and then we'll think about having another baby. He doesn't understand. No one understands.

I wish everyone would understand or be able to explain to me why you get these feelings after losing your baby before you even had them. I wish all babies would be born healthy so that we wouldn't even have to have these feelings. It's not fair.

Her story, part 1

2010-02-08T00:19:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here I am. It's after midnight and I'm sitting here blogging on our roommates mini laptop/netbook. It's Monday, February 8, 2010. It's officially Emily Anne's 1st birthday. At 1:40AM, it will be exactly 365 days since we got to meet our babygirl. This is what happened that day and the days that led up to it.

For those of you that I have not met, I also have a son that will be 3 in April named Ethan Jordan. My pregnancy with him was very normal and then I suddenly had a placental abruption at 35 weeks & 4 days gestation. The doctors said that he probably had a lack of oxygen for at least 12 hours, which caused him severe brain damage. The doctors said that in cases like Ethan's the baby usually doesn't survive. He spent 5 weeks in the NICU. This was, at the time, the most difficult thing that we had to go through.

During my pregnancy with Emily, I was always very paranoid and constantly thinking about the worst that could happen. I wasn't prepared to have another baby spend weeks in the NICU or to have doctors "urge" us to pull the plug on our baby. I especially wasn't emotionally prepared. I was very careful and I was always making sure that Emily was still moving.

It was a Tuesday night. I was 35 weeks & 3 days pregnant. Going on 35 + 4. I then became really paranoid. Emily's movements were decreasing. I sat there debating if I should go to Labor & Delivery and then I felt her move. Friday comes around and it's the day of my 36 week check-up. I get up, get ready, have lunch, take Ethan to his physical therapy appointment.. then it's time for my appointment. Going into this appointment, I was very optimistic. To me.. getting past 35 weeks & 4 days was very good. It was the point where I told myself that I didn't need to worry anymore.

My doctor was on vacation at the time so another OB substituted for her til she came back. Dr. S. (for substitute) came in and pulls out her doppler and all we hear is static. She goes to get another doppler thinking that something was wrong with hers. Still... only static. She then leads us to another room so that we can do an ultrasound. I really didn't know what was going on. I started getting anxious. Dr. S. does a quick ultrasound and says,"These ultrasound machines are a little bit older and I can't read them well so let me go get another doctor to do it." At this point, I knew something was wrong. Another doctor comes in, feels around a little bit. This is where my world fell apart. She said to me,"I'm sorry... but this doesn't look good. Your baby doesn't have a heartbeat." I think at that point.. I too no longer had a heartbeat. I didn't know what to say or think. All I said was,"Are you sure?" And she said,"Yes." and showed me all 4 chambers of Emily's little heart and it was not fluttering at all. That little speck that is rapidly beating during ultrasounds was very, very still. There it was.... with our first baby, we were told that he might not survive and with our second... we were told that she died before even being born.

The doctors left us alone for a little bit and I just cried... I called my sister and I just cried. How could this happen? That's all I was thinking. The doctors gave us two options: 1.) Go home and let it sink in and come back to deliver the baby when I was ready or 2.) Go across the street to the hospital right away and get induced immediately. I chose option 2.

We go across the street and Labor & Delivery know our situation. I walk in with tears streaming down my face with bloodshot eyes and some of the nurses stared because they weren't aware of what happened. One nurse immediately gave me a big, long hug and said,"I'm sorry, sweetie. We can't change it, but we can make it better." Bless that nurse's heart. I change into my gown and a few nurses were getting things ready in my room. One of them said,"Awww she's crying!" and then there was silence. I knew the other nurse was silently mouthing what happened. I get settled in, the uncomfortable IV is put in, then the team of doctors come in. We talk about what happened, my medical history.. family history, etc. They couldn't figure out what happened. We talked about getting an autopsy done after the delivery and another test that would require them to take a piece of her skin. I was induced at about 8pm, Friday, February 6, 2009.

TO BE CONTINUED..

RIP Our sweet angel baby, Emily Anne.
Born into God's arms on February 8, 2009 @ 1:40AM
I miss you dearly and I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. I love you.

Two weeks and five days...

2010-01-20T20:08:00.000-08:00

... just two weeks and five days away from Emily Anne's birthday, the day that we met her, the day we got to hold her in our arms, the day that we had to tuck her in and walk away as the nurse said,"I'll take good care of her" as I was wheeled away into my recovery room.. My recovery room that wasn't in the MICC (Mother and Infant Care Center), but it was on the other side of the hospital in the surgical unit.. where patients were recovering from surgery, where I wouldn't be able to hear the sound of newborns crying. That day was tough. And that anniversary is coming up and I don't know how I'm going to handle it.

I've been really wanting to go to visit Emily, but the weather has been horrible over here in California. Our highways are flooded, there are power outages all over the bay area, and there is a tornado warning. I have never heard of a tornado warning in California. It just doesn't happen. But that's what I also thought when I was pregnant with Emily. Losing your baby before they're even born... that just doesn't happen. But it does. I was so naive and I feel like I wasn't paranoid enough. I didn't do my kick counts like I should have. I didn't trust my motherly instinct when I didn't feel her moving as much. I always go through what I could have done to prevent it. What I could have done to protect my baby. I had one job, to bring my baby into this world safe and sound.. and I couldn't even do that. What will happen when I'm pregnant with our 3rd child?

Seeing babies is just as hard as ever. One of my close friends is having a baby. A babygirl. That one got me. I'm also planning her baby shower with a few of my closest friends. It's a little difficult for me, but I think I'm just sucking it up because I know I would want someone to suck it up for me.

I've been really thinking about having another baby, but I know I can't. I'm not physically nor am I emotionally ready for it. There are just those days where I feel like I just really want a baby to care for. A perfectly healthy newborn. I hope that I'm not the only one that feels like this after having lost a beautiful baby at 36 weeks gestation. After being so excited to have the 2nd granddaughter to add to my mom's 6 grandchildren. Emily would have been her 7th grandchild. Lucky #7. Our little angel. Oh how I miss her. Her blanket that she used no longer has the newborn smell to it anymore since I've slept with it and have probably sniffed all of that scent off of it. I wish it had that smell still. So I can have something to hold onto. Something more than just memories.

I realized that I have never posted the details of what happened. I don't know if I can. But I should. I think that if I talk about it and share it, those who read this will understand why I am so messed up sometimes. See from my eyes. Maybe I will post Emily's story in two weeks and five days...

The Holidays

2009-12-16T17:17:00.000-08:00

It's been quite a while since my last post. I find myself not knowing what to say or thinking that maybe what I do have to say will offend someone or just not make any sense. You have no idea how many drafts I have saved since my last post.

The day that marked 10 months since I held Emily in my arms just passed and it was a little more difficult than all the other months. I'm not sure why. I really d0n't know how I'm going to get through her 1st Angel Day... She is still the last thing on my mind at night and that gets really difficult. I start thinking about her and there are time where I cry myself to sleep. I've been missing a lot of my son's appointments because it just slips my mind. Is this depression? I'm lost and confused.

A fellow blogger just recently gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy after giving birth to her beautiful stillborn daughter in August 2008. I imagine that I will one day be able to get to that day. The day that I am able to deliver a perfectly healthy baby that I am able to cuddle with and feed and change diapers for. I always sit there and think that I will never get to that point. That for some unknown reason... I'm not meant to have a healthy baby. I'm really hoping that I'm wrong. Sometimes I can't help but to think this and it breaks my heart.. that everyone I know can have healthy babies except me. I feel like a child that's whining because I can't have what I want.. Does every grieving mother feel like this?

I love my angel baby. I love her so much that it hurts. When anyone asks how many kids I have.. I hate having to tell them that my son is 2 1/2 and my daughter passed away this past February before she was even born. My heart is breaking everyday that passes without her in my arms.

My closest friends always have an annual Christmas party where we exchange gifts, eat and generally just have a great time together. I was 7 months pregnant during our last party. It breaks my heart that I have nothing to show for that. I don't have a precious little girl to show off or brag about. There's no brag book. There's no pictures of her first tooth. Her first smile. Blah. I just feel BLAH.

Letting go

2009-10-05T23:35:00.000-07:00

I thought I would never be able to live my life again after giving birth to a baby that didn't have a heartbeat. It has been extremely tough... but I'm doing a lot better than I ever imagined. I miss her terribly. My heart aches everyday knowing that I can't hold my babygirl.

My sister just gave birth to a perfectly healthy babygirl. Her name is Makayla Lynn. Sweet Makayla. I love her so much already. When my sister was pregnant, I didn't want to get attached to the baby. Probably because my sister went through 2 miscarriages before Makayla. And because I'm traumatized after losing Emily. I was there when Makayla was born and it was probably the hardest thing I had to see since giving birth to Emily. I stood there smiling as the doctors put a crying baby onto my sister's chest, but inside I was crying for Emily. I held back my tears as I joined in on the smiles around the room. I am happy for my sister.. but I tried so hard to not run out of that hospital room crying.

Since then, I've tried to toughen up. I kept all of Emily's clothes, diapers, and brand new bouncer that we never took out of the box from the baby shower. But I decided to give it to baby Makayla. I decided to let go. Not because I want to forget Emily, but because I want to try to move on. Emily will forever be in my heart... I will one day be able to hold her in my arms and never let go. Until that day..

After 7 months... Emily's grave marker was finally made and placed after the funeral coordinator failed to order it initially...

It's been a while

2009-08-17T17:38:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging lately. Not because I don't have anything to say... but because everything that I want to blog about is always the same thing. I miss Emily. I saw a babygirl today and she reminded me of Emily.

My sister is now 32 weeks pregnant and it has been confirmed that she's having a girl. Little Mikayla Lynne. Before I lost Emily, I was always so excited to touch a pregnant woman's belly and feel her baby kicking away inside her. Now... when I see my sister, I feel nothing. I don't wanna touch her belly or even hear about the baby kicking. I think I just feel like if it's not my baby that will be delivered healthy and well.... then I don't want to create a bond with it. Or I just feel so much pain when I do feel a baby kicking cause that was the last thing I felt of our little Emily. I felt her kicking that morning... then just 8 hours later... no heartbeat. Her last movement was her kicking. That's it. It hurts a lot to think that I never got to hear my baby cry or breastfeed her when my milk started coming in.

I look at my stomach and there are still stretch marks from my growing baby inside me that never took a breath on this earth. Four years from now is when I want to try for another baby.. when Ethan is 6. I think that when I do get pregnant.... those 9 months will be harder than these 4 years....

Imy, Emilybaby.

It's so hard....

2009-06-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

As I get further and further away from the day that I saw my babygirl... the harder it gets. It gets to the point where I dunno what to do to help myself... I cry, but it doesn't really help. I keep telling myself that if I would just pull out her clothes, maybe it'll give me closure or something. Sometimes I feel like I was never pregnant or that I never had a daughter because she's not here... because we only have one crib now as oppose to 2.... because I still have an unopened bouncer and a bunch of newborn diapers. It hurts soooooo much and I don't know what to do.

I recently started working so I don't have a lot of time to go visit Emily anymore. Not as much as I use to. Ethan is getting so big so it's hard to take him anywhere. So, most of the time we just stay home.

She would have been 4 months old. Probably in a size 2 diaper, wearing size 3 - 6 months... probably size 2 in shoes cause she had big feet.... she probably would've been smiling at us like she did when we did the 3D/4D ultrasound. Her personality would've been coming out. Probably outrageous like me and mellow like her daddy. I imagine she would've been just like me... grumpy when she's sleepy and hungry, sleeping all day long... crazy when she's hyper and awake... then she would have her lazy days where she isn't in the mood for anything. My mini me. Gosh I miss her. I've thought about writing letters to her. Sounds weird right? But it has always been easier for me to write down my words than saying them.

Emilybaby... we haven't and will never forget about you. I miss & love you. Watch over your big brother. He needs your help.

Love, Mommy.

Grief is taking over

2009-06-09T03:10:00.001-07:00

It's settling in as today marks the 4th month since the death and birth of our babygirl. I don't know how to handle it. God help me...

It's a girl!

2009-05-26T14:58:00.000-07:00

My older sister is pregnant and she is having a girl! I'm full of a lot of emotions. I'm seriously happy and ecstatic for her because she went through 2 miscarriages before this pregnancy. Everytime I go see Emily, I tell her to watch over her baby cousin to make sure that she's okay and as much as she wants another friend to play with in Heaven, we want her baby cousin to be here.

At the same time, it makes me a little sad because I just wish that Emily could be here... and our little girls could grow up together and be really close like my cousins and I. It's a little bittersweet.

We went to our friend's bbq yesterday and one of them said to Erwin and I,"When are you guys gonna have another kid? I wanna see you guys have a daughter." We do have a daughter... she's just not here with us. Then I said I'm not ready to have another baby. It hasn't even been 4 months yet. He said that stuff happens and that we should keep trying and that his mom had 2 miscarriages. And I said that it wasn't a miscarriage. If that cord wasn't around her neck and I delivered her, she would have survived as oppose to a baby that is less than 20 weeks. I'm not saying that babies under 20 weeks are less significant that babies that are over 20 weeks.. but she was almost full term. I got to cradle her in my arms. It just really hit the spot when he said that to me... as if Emily didn't exist. It hurt. A lot. He didn't realize it, but I sat there with tears stinging my eyes as I tried to hold myself together. I haven't felt like that in a while...

What hurts the most

2009-05-15T19:44:00.001-07:00

I found this image on PostSecret. For those of you that don't know about it, this guy has people send in their secrets on a postcard and he publishes them. Some are just little secrets and some are HUGE secrets that are shocking. Everyone has secrets.

So this was sent in by Anonymous and when I read it, it hurt me a lot and I really don't know what. Possibly because I hate the fact that I can relate to it because I lost my baby.... and we did take pictures of her during her funeral. And this person doesn't understand what their friend or whoever is going through... What I'm trying to get at is if you don't understand what I'm going through, at least keep an open mind and know that Emily was still our baby. We took pictures of her because she is our baby and regardless of whether or not she was dead, those are the only pictures that we will ever have of her. We won't have pictures of her first smile, the first time she crawls or is able to sit on her own, or walks. We won't have that. The only pictures we have of her are lifeless. Her little body was lifeless. I won't have pictures that make me smile because she's smiling in it.

I only have pictures of her... with her eyes closed... her cold skin, no smiles... And that's what hurts the most.

Officially missing you

2009-05-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night.

I dreamed that I was pregnant again.. and that we lost the baby, again.

This terrifies me. I will never be able to be pregnant with our third without worrying every second and every minute of everyday during my pregnancy, that something will go terribly wrong.

I told my best friend about my dream and I told him that I can't even carry a child to 40 weeks and deliver them safely into world. I can't even go past 36 weeks for that matter. And he said do you think there's a test that tells you if you can have babies. I can definitely have babies... I just can't bring them to term.

Mother's day came and went. It was easy, but hard at the same time. I'm at ease knowing that one day I will spend Mother's Day with Emily in my arms. One day I will hold her again. I wait patiently for that day.

Pictures can say a thousand words.

2009-04-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

Why can't I find those words to describe this pain....

Stuck, with no where to go.

2009-04-24T12:27:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted in a week, even though I wanted to. I just feel like there's nothing left of me and I'm just living day to day. I try my best to be normal.. still live my life and let Emily Anne live through me. But it's hard.

Our little man, Ethan Jordan, turns 2 tomorrow! We had a birthday party for him last night at Chuck E Cheese's and the turnout was great!

Ethan had a follow-up doctor's appointment with the surgeon that inserted his G-tube. Our appointment was at 3:15PM. We arrived a few minutes before 3 and we didn't get called in til about 4:15.. Ethan was measured and weighed and then we waited til about 5:00 to see the doctor and all she did was take out his stitches... We waited TWO HOURS. I was so upset. But I guess at the clinic, other doctors only see 7 patients throughout the day. Dr. Butler (the surgeon) had to see 22 patients yesterday cause she is only at the clinic once a week.

While we were waiting to be called in.. I was sitting there and there were tons of parents with their babies surrounding us. Most were babygirls... And there was also one little girl that was wearing a cute little purple polka-dotted dress. It was the same dress that my friend Julie bought for Emily. The same dress that is stashed away with the rest of the her clothes that she will never wear. I felt so trapped because here I am... grieving over the loss of my daughter and seeing babies everywhere did not help me at all. Tears filled my eyes as I started to think about what Emily would be doing now.. would she have a crazy personality and want all of our attention or would she have been the most mellow baby ever..

I took a few deep breaths so that no one would think I was crazy for crying while waiting to be called in for a follow-up.

I haven't gone to the cemetary to visit Emily since last week and I've been feeling like I've been missing something and I realized that going to visit her and replacing her flowers frequently brings back memories of the day that I had her... the day that was filled with so much joy and more sorrow. But I had her... I got to hold her in my arms... I got to kiss her soft little chubby cheek... and I'm thankful for that. Many mothers aren't able to hold their little ones.

Precious child

2009-04-16T17:35:00.000-07:00

I found this video on YouTube and it perfectly describes how I feel.

Reassurance

2009-04-14T00:33:00.000-07:00

It's late.. I should be sleeping, but here I am... lurking around other blogs and thinking about our Emily, as usual. Ethan's surgery is tomorrow. I'm nervous and I'm hoping that everything goes well and he won't have to spend more than one night in the PICU.

I stumbled upon a blog (the blog world for grieving mothers is GREAT and has been exceptionally helpful to me) and instead of doing 25 random things on facebook the normal way, she did it the bereaved way. So I thought I should it too. So here it goes.

25 facts (give or take) about my pregnancy, my labor, and our baby girl, Emily Anne.

1. | I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was almost 5 months pregnant. It was October 6, 2008. My due date was March 7, 2008. I know, how could I have not known!!!!

2. | I had plenty of girl names picked out, but we narrowed it down to 2. Kaelynn Marie and Emily Anne. While my good friend Julie and I were shopping for my baby shower invitations, Emily Anne was the name on a sample birth announcement. That day, our minds were set on Emily Anne and I'm glad we chose that name... the name of an angel. :)

3.| My baby shower was on January 24, 2009. I was exactly 34 weeks pregnant. Emily kicked at my ribs the whole time.

4.| On February 6, 2009, I had my 36 week check-up. I felt her kicking that morning. This was the day we found out our babygirl no longer had a heartbeat. I had no words and I even asked the doctors if they were sure. They showed me the ultrasound and where there is usually a little flickering speck... there was no movement. The doctors showed it to me when I asked them to make sure again when I went to the hospital.

5.| I was induced on 2.6.09 at about 7PM. I delivered Emily on 2.8.09 at 1:40AM. Nearly 31 hours laboring for our babygirl who we wouldn't hear cry when she arrived..

6. | Emily Anne DeCastro was born on February 8, 2009 at 1:40AM weighing in at 4lbs. 15.8ounces and measured 19 inches long. We didn't know the reason for her death until she was delivered. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck 4 times and so tight.. that there was no longer any blood in the cord.

7.| Emily definitely had her dad's height, but she had my features; round face, big cheeks, button nose. She was so tall and lanky... with big beautiful eyes, eyebrows and LONG eyelashes that were already visible.

8.| My wonderful nurse, Leanne, cried with our family when she saw Emily. She said that she has never seen the cord wrapped around a baby that many times before.

9.| Emily Anne's viewing was held on 2.17.09 and her burial was on 2.18.09 (my mom's birthday) on a sunny day that was suppose to be rainy. She was wearing a cute little summer dress and pink cardigan that my sister bought for her and she was wearing cute little booties that Auntie Ronalyn bought for her. She was buried with a bunny from Uncle Andy, a giraffe from Auntie Lisa, an outfit from Auntie Kim, an outfit from Auntie Jen and Uncle John, 2 bottles and a pacifier that I had bought for her just 1 week before, and a winnie the pooh blanket from Great Auntie Kathy that had her named embroidered on it.

10.| I used to be scared to go to the cemetary.... scared to even just drive by one. But now I feel comfortable going alone. It saddens me that my daughter's death is what helped me get over my fear.

11.| I have cried everyday since her birth and death.. The amount of tears are generally less on some days.

12.| I love talking about her. So please don't feel uncomfortable if you happen to bring her up by accident. Or don't hesitate to ask about her.

13.| I hate those general responses... like "It'll be okay." "I know how you feel." If you have not lost your child, you will never know how it feels.

14.| We still have all of her clothes that we received from the baby shower.. tucked away under Ethan's crib and some more in a container in our closet. I washed and folded everything just 2 days before I was induced..

15.| My heart aches when I see babies, especially baby girls... which is literally everywhere I go. But it also makes me smile... possibly giving me hope that I will one day be able to hold our perfectly healthy third child.

16.| I always look through babygirl clothes before I go shopping for Ethan.

17.| I am positive that Emily would've been a gymnast. I felt her literally doing tumbles inside my belly.

18.| I don't think I've hit the worst part of grieving yet. I am still in the early stages.

19.| Emily is the 2nd granddaughter in our family. My niece is 12 so you can imagine how excited we were for her arrival.

20.| We don't have any pictures of her visible in our room. Not because we wanna forget her, but because it's extremely painful for me. I think seeing her pictures online and on everyone's profiles is enough for me.

21.| My calendar for the month of February/March is still up. I can't bring myself to erase it and write in the days for April because it has the day we were suppose to attend our childbirth class 2.7.09 and her due date 3.7.09

22.| On most days, I blame myself for her death... thinking that I could've done something to prevent it.

23.| It took me over a month to figure out what I wanted written on her grave marker.

24.| She would have been 2 months and 1 week old today.

25.| What I miss about her most: waking up to her kicks and tumbles.

A lot of these things are random, and I will one day put more thought and effort into editing this. But for now... at 1AM... this is what comes to mind.

Referring to #12 and the title to this entry...

I saw Maryanne on Friday night when I went to visit my Edgie's family. It was first time I've seen her since Emily's death. She hugged me and asked me how I was doing... of course it meant not how I was doing today, but how I was doing in general. I then said I'm doing okay.. and she talked about how she was so shocked when she saw my pictures posted of Emily and I could tell that tears were stinging her eyes as I talked a little of what happened. She didn't ask me what happened. I just told her. Because I know how hard it is to ask someone what happened knowing that it brings back painful memories. But I love talking her. There are days where it is harder than others to talk about Emily... but it helps me. A lot. So please... I reassure you that I'm okay with talking about her. I will gladly spill my heart out to you if you ask of me. I'm not sure if I make sense.

It's late.

Happy Tuesday.

Love, Wendee

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T03:32:00.000-07:00

I miss my Emily. Especially today. It's Easter. It would have been her very first Easter and her very first egg hunt, even if she is only 2 months old. I think all holidays will be hard for me because something will always be missing. Our angel baby will always be missing from our family pictures. I held back my tears today when I went shopping for some things to put on her grave. There are times where I don't even have the words to describe how I feel. Even now.. in all my blogs, I'm lost and I can never find the right words to express myself.

I am still encountering some friends that are not aware of our situation or what happened with Emily. I saw an old co-worker at Best Buy when I went to drop off some soup for my sister and he said to me,"How are your kids?" It was like taking a bullet... I just answered back, "They're fine." He doesn't know that our daughter is gone. He just knows that I had her and he thinks that everything is fine. But everything isn't fine.. everything is empty and different.

I also saw someone yesterday that I haven't seen in a couple of months. So, the last time I saw him.. I was still pregnant with Emily. And he just asked me how I was doing and then he says, "You have two now, right?" and I answered,"I do have two, but one is in heaven." It's hard to say that... I don't think it gets any easier.

On another note, I love it when friends and family say that they have gone to visit Emily. She was so very special and we were all anxious to meet her. It's unfortunate that as soon as we said hello, we had to say goodbye. But I'm glad that she has made a difference in our lives and I'm not the only one that misses and remembers her. So for that, I thank each and every one of you for thinking of her and visiting her. It is very much appreciated. I also love it when I go visit her grave and there are little gifts left by others. I don't know who leaves them, but if you are reading this.. thank you so much. :)

Happy Easter.

<3, Wendee

Dreams

2009-04-10T11:22:00.001-07:00

Dreams are all I have of our sweet Emily Anne. I dreamed of her last night. But I have a tendency to wake up remembering my dreams and then 5 minutes later... that memory is completely gone.

It was a happy dream. I was happy with Emily in my arms. That's all I can remember.

An update on Ethan:
Ethan has been doing well. We got discharged on Saturday afternoon. He hasn't been needing a lot of suctioning of his nose and mouth, which is really good. He still kind of coughs up phlegm every now and then, but is good about not choking on it. He stops his antibiotics on Sunday and has surgery on Tuesday. In addition to inserting a gastrostomy tube, the surgeon is also going to do a Nissin fundoplication. Basically, the fundoplication allows anything to go into his stomach, but nothing can go back up. That way, he can't aspirate anything into his lungs and develop pneumonia again. They did an upper GI X-ray and found that Ethan was refluxing anything that was going down his esophagus. I hope and pray that after the surgery, he recovers quickly and is able to get off the respirator in time for his 2nd birthday on the 25th! He's getting so big and he looks more and more like a little man everyday.

It's been raining which means it's snowing. I haven't been able to go snowboarding at all this season. We did go to Tahoe in the beginning of the year, but I was pregnant with Emily, so I stayed off the slopes. Hopefully I'll be able to go at least once before the snow melts.

I'm sorry. I'm scattered all over the place.

Two months.

2009-04-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

Happy 2 months to our angel baby, Emily Anne. <3

Angry

2009-04-03T16:45:00.000-07:00

I'm angry. At everything. At the world. At myself...

Ever since Emily Anne was born on February 8, 2009.. friends and also friends of friends have been delivering perfectly healthy babies. I know of not one... not two... but six other babies that were born completely healthy. Two of which were twins. I can't help but to be jealous. Jealous that I was not able to hear my baby cry after 29 hours of laboring for her... Jealous that their car ride home was full of joy and happiness.. and ours was full of sorrow and emptiness. I cannot sit here any longer and tell myself that this is okay. This is unfair. I would have given my little Emily the world. I was so ready for her. So prepared for her arrival. I was ready to have mother-daughter time while Ethan and Erwin had father-son time. I was ready to have a perfect little family of four. Am I being unreasonable? I'm being selfish and I'll openly admit it. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for my friends and I wish them the best of luck. I am also grateful for what I already have, my Ethanbaby. But this is really unfair and I wanna scream it at the top of my lungs so the whole world knows... They say that God won't give you anything that you can't handle. But did He have to make it this hard? Why did Emily's fate have to include her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck 4 times?

But we'll never know why... I am hoping that I will one day find peace.. Til that day.

Crumbling down...

2009-04-02T10:02:00.001-07:00

Here we are again.. less than a week later. Ethanbaby is in the hospital again. After being discharged on Friday, Ethan was throwing up his bolus feeds that were going through his NG-tube. We called the nurse and she said she didn't know why he would be throwing up and maybe we should try feeding him slower. So we did, and he did okay. He then developed a fever of 102 on Saturday. I took him to urgent care on Sunday and they said that his lungs sounded really good and he probably just has a respiratory virus. So we get sent home and given a follow up appointment the following day.

To make a long story short, Ethan has had a fever for 5 days now and was admitted into the hospital last night because they found that he had a little bit of pneumonia in the upper area of his right lung. My poor baby! I was so upset yesterday because although he aspirates his solid food, he was always really good about protecting his airway and coughing anything that got into it. Since they put the NG-tube in, it looks like he's been refluxing and has not been able to control his secretions. The NG-tube was suppose to make things better and keep him away from getting pneumonia, but it looks like it only made things worse. I think he would've been okay with oral feeds until his surgery on Tuesday, April 7th. Once again he has the doctors stumped. They don't know what exactly caused the pneumonia. They can only make some guesses by process of elimination.

As of this afternoon, Ethan no longer has a fever and is being given antibiotics for his pneumonia. They have him on a continuous feed through the Kangaroo pump throughout the day and he has been tolerating it well. I hate seeing him the hospital. But he's showing little signs of improvement. He's being a tough little guy, like always.

To add to all of this chaos, I am also sick. I've had a cough for about a week now AND I have allergies. So, it's a double whammy for me. Yesterday, I just felt so weak and I felt like I wanted to give up. There were so many things go on inside of my head. When I was talking to the doctors, I started tearing up because I was just so frustrated and tired. It makes it even harder that we're in the same hospital that I delivered Emily in. I miss her. Everything about this place reminds me of her. I hope she's hovering right over her big brother and is giving him the strength to get through this. I'm crumbling. God help me.... please give me the strength and the ability to get through this...

Just one of those days...

2009-03-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

So it has been 2 days since Ethan was discharged from the hospital with the NG-tube. That thing looks so uncomfortable, and sometimes he doesn't even tolerate his feeds and ends up throwing it all up. You can tell that it's hard for him to swallow and control his secretions because he has a tube going down his throat. My poor little man.. and to top that off, he has had a fever since yesterday morning, but it hasn't been high enough for us to take him into urgent care. So, I'm gonna wait it out a little longer to see if it'll go away. I just hope and pray that he doesn't have an infection. Another week of this... I hate having to see him go through this. I was up at 5AM because I heard Ethan coughing, so I picked him up and he kept crying and whining and I didn't know what to do to make him more comfortable or make him feel better. I got so frustrated because I couldn't soothe my own son. I then looked down at Emily Anne's clothes and it made things a whole lot worse. I was frustrated & sad all at the same time. It would have been hard caring for both of my babies, but sometimes I feel like it's so much harder without her here. Only because I'm emotionally drained and it makes me feel so tired sometimes. Maybe I'm being overdramatic.

I made my (almost) daily visit to Emily's grave yesterday to water her grass and leave a couple of things for her. I also picked up her fetal death certificate. A temporary marker was put on her grave until her actual marker is made. Who would have thought that I would be looking at my daughter's name on a grave marker and a death certificate... I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will.. I miss her..

An angel in the book of life

Wrote down your date of birth,
And whispered as she closed the book,
"Too beautiful for this Earth"

It hurts.

2009-03-25T19:01:00.000-07:00

I am at the hospital with Ethan because he needs to have a NG-tube put in through his nose into his belly to temporarily nourish him until we can get penciled in for the insertion of a G-tube. I've spent too much time at this hospital... I feel like I know everyone here and I don't even need procedures read to me anymore. I know what to sign and where to sign, and how to work the machines even.

You know you've been here enough when nurses recognize you. She asked me,"You've been here before, right?" And I said yes. Then she asks,"Do you have any other children?" and I said no... I did it again. I have forsaken my babygirl once again and I apologize dearly. It just didn't come naturally to me... to say that I have a daughter.. who is no longer living.. who died before she could even take a breath of fresh air. It's still very surreal to me. I hate having to walk by her stack of diapers that we received at our baby shower. Her pretty pink Boppy bouncer that I wish I could've opened and built just for her. It hurts. A lot.

I got a call from my OB today and she said that all the labs we took the day I went to hospital were all normal. The placenta was sent for studies and there were no signs of infection or genetic disorders. She would have been a perfect, healthy, baby girl. OUR perfect babygirl.

Emotional wreck

2009-03-19T00:27:00.001-07:00

It's 30 minutes past midnight and I'm still awake regardless of how early I have to get up in the morning to get ready for Ethan's visit with his Earlystart teachers. Ethan is still up. He tends to fall asleep around 10 or 11 and then wakes up an hour or so later. His dietician is so concerned about his weight and thinks that his sleeping habits might be a factor. He will be 2 years old next month (4/25) and he is only 17 pounds. He's truly our little man. He hasn't been wanting to drink out of a bottle lately so his pediatrician is recommending that we get a G-tube placed in his belly again. =( I'm praying that he will come around and drink as much Pediasure as possible. He FINALLY started drinking out of his bottle today so I'm hoping that he keeps it up. But I don't know if I should get my hopes up cause when I feel like Ethan is taking a step forward, he takes one step back and falls further behind. Please pray for him!

I've been on edge lately. Sometimes I miss Emily so much that I'll sit there with Ethan in my arms..crying..wishing that I was holding the both of them. She would have been a little over 5 weeks today and I wonder what she would have looked like. She was so beautiful when she was born and I could only imagine how her beauty would have flourished as she got older. I wonder if she would have looked like me when I was a baby. This is so hard...

My sister is pregnant and she had 2 miscarriages prior to this pregnancy. I'm hoping and praying that everything turns out okay for my sister's sake. I don't know if she can endure another loss.

I was thinking today about all of the clothes that were given to Emily at my babyshower and how I had washed and folded all of it, preparing for her arrival, just 2 days before that horrible day... It breaks my heart to see all of it because those clothes are hers... they were meant for her. I put a couple of outfits in her casket with her, but kept the rest. I should have thought to put everything in there because they're hers. It's going to be so hard to give it to someone else's baby.. *sigh* Gosh, I miss her so much.

(Subject jump)

I don't know how I will ever be able to become pregnant again. Throughout my pregnancy with Emily, I was so terrified and paranoid because I was scared that I would have another placental abruption. If or when we are ready to try again, I am going to be extremely, EXTREMELY terrified... I am going to want to hear my baby's heartbeat every minute and every second out of the day. It'll be so nerve-wrecking.

I apologize for being so disorganized, but this is what my mind has been like lately. There are days where I feel like I'm thinking of 1,000,001 things. When will my mind be anywhere close to what it use to be..

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T23:19:00.001-07:00

My daughter lives through me and through those who also love and miss her much as Erwin and I do. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be going out. As if I'm betraying my daughter because I am not at home grieving. But I should live my life and do normal things so that my daughter's spirit lives on. Right? I feel like I'm being judged by others, but maybe it's just me.

Erwin, Ethan, Katie, Kim, Julie, Ronalyn, and I went to go visit Emily today for St. Patrick's Day. Her first St. Patty's day. It's a little bittersweet. I miss her dearly, but I am at ease knowing that she will never be tainted by the bad things in this world. There is a little boy that is right next to Emily and he was stillborn on August 2006. His plot is empty and it looks like it hasn't been visited in a long time. I stood there thinking to myself, did his family forget about him? Or is it too hard for the family to come back to something that brings back really bad memories? I don't know. I just hope that when I go back to visit Emily.. that there will still be flowers and little gifts from those who have not forgotten her. As my first daughter, and maybe my only daughter, she will forever be etched in my memory.

I had a lot of things that I wanted to blog about this morning, but I completely forgot what. Great..

A little lost

2009-03-16T14:58:00.000-07:00

WARNING: A lot of venting follows.

I really don't know what blogging will do for me, but one of my new friends, Jaimee, started one and it somehow led to a blog of a woman who had also lost a child due to an umbilical cord accident. It somehow gives me a place to escape.. to not keep anything in. It has always been hard for me to say exactly what's on my mind. I would think things through and it would just stay on the tip of my tongue and I would never be able to say it outloud. You would think that it's hard for Erwin and I to communicate, but we somehow do.

It's been 5 weeks and 1 day since I gave birth to my little girl. Things have been hard for me, but I'll never admit it to anyone and I'll never let it show. I think about her constantly. I've been having really disturbing dreams about her and I wake up not knowing how to analyze that dream. I don't think you could even call it a dream. It was more like a nightmare. I don't even wanna think about it anymore. I've been going on this website called SHARE and it was created for mothers who have preemies that are in the NICU fighting for their lives or those who have lost their babies. Whether it was because of prematurity and the baby just wasn't developed enough to survive or if their 39 weeker was a stillborn. It devastates me to know that so many innocent babies die everyday because due to prematurity or are stillborn and no one can tell the parents why.

For those of you who do not know what happened and are wondering what my blog title means, I am the mother of two perfect little angels. At 35 weeks and 4 days gestation, our Earth Angel, Ethan Jordan, was born on April 25, 2007 @ 10:47AM. Because of a placental abruption, Ethan suffered severe brain damage and spent 5 weeks in the NICU. He is almost 2 years old and is slowly thriving through this imperfect life. When Ethan was just a little over a year old, I got pregnant with our second child. We were ecstatic when we found out it was a girl! At 35 weeks and 6 days gestation, we found out our babygirl no longer had heartbeat. Emily Anne was born into God's arms on February 8, 2009 @ 1:40AM.

My journey through all of this has been overwhelming. I have so many questions that are unanswered and they will never be answered. I'm trying to understand this imperfect life that I am living. Why did it have to be me? Am I being punished? Why couldn't someone just give me a sign to know that my baby was struggling inside my womb? Why didn't I go in that Wednesday when I felt her movements decreasing? I feel guilty, angry, lost, confused... UGH someone help me.

Yesterday, Erwin & I finally went to go return some of the things we received during Emily Anne's baby shower. I didn't show it, but it was killing me inside. I didn't wanna let go. I didn't want reality to set in. Although it's been over a month, I still feel like this is all so surreal. I tell myself that my baby is gone, but I just wish that she wasn't. I don't think that anyone or anything can fill this void in my heart. Things will never be the same.

I've been going back to Emily's grave every weekend and I think to myself... I can't believe I'm here... standing over my daughter's grave. Is this really how life should be? A parent burying their child? I then become selfish and wish for just one more moment with my babygirl... just a few more minutes holding my angel... whether she was alive or not. I miss her so much...

I'm emotionally exhausted. Til next time.