Her story, part 2

After being induced, we just had to wait. I had to lay there with my baby inside of me. My baby who no longer had a heartbeat.. who we would not hear cry after I gave that one final push. My baby who I just felt kicking that morning. It was very surreal to me. I would still put my hand on my stomach hoping maybe she was just giving us the biggest scare of our lives. Just hoping. My mom was urging me to have a c-section because she was so scared that something would happen to me if I kept a non-living baby inside of me. My dad felt the same way. But in order to give birth vaginally for future pregnancies, I had to deliver Emily the natural way.

My friends and family were there the whole time. My room was filled with at least 10 people. I was very lucky to be in such an understanding hospital and have kind, warm-hearted nurses that never said anything insensitive to me or my family. Normally, nurses and doctors will only allow 2 - 3 other people in the delivery room just in case something happens to the baby and they have to do an emergency procedure or something. But that wasn't the case. So there we were. Just waiting. Normally, you would be making phone calls, sending the text out that says,"It's the day! Baby Emily is on her way!" How do we add on "But she no longer has a heartbeat" So the only phone calls that were made were to my family and a few of my closest friends. Then the word just spread.

Throughout that night, I was able to sleep pretty well. I woke up really early that morning because I finally started feeling contractions. After about 11 hours after being induced, I was only 1cm dilated. The contractions weren't unbearable, but with the situation that I was in.. I didn't want to add any physical pain to the emotional pain that I was already in. So I decided to get the epidural.

When anesthesia came up, the nurses were switching shifts. From 7am - 3pm, my nurse was Katie. I will never forget her. She created a rainbow in the midst of a storm. She somehow made our situation so much easier to get through. I wanted her to be my nurse during my whole stay. All I kept thinking was "I wish all my nurses were like Katie."

Because I had a cesarean with my son, my doctor didn't want to force my uterus to do anything that would cause it to rupture and put me at risk. So, things were progressing very slowly.

Twenty-hours after being induced, I was only about 3 - 4 cms dilated. The doctor's prescribed another medication that would speed up a the process just a little bit. At 10pm (26 hours into labor), I was still 3 - 4 cms dilated. My doctor talked about going into having another c-section since I wasn't progressing very well. She later decided that since I was still young and I would still be able to have more babies in the future, she decided that we would wait.

At about 12AM, I started feeling a lot of pressure. "So this is what labor feels like huh?" I thought. The nurse checked to see if I had made any more progress. 8cms dilated. No wonder why it hurt so bad. By then, the epidural had worn off. My doctor ordered some more medication to help with the pain. Just a short hour labor, I was pushing.

Here it goes. This is what we've been waiting for right? I didn't know what to feel or what to think. I just did as I was told and I pushed. Normally, I'm a tough cookie. But as I was pushing... I wanted to give up. I think all that waiting and anxiety just got the best of me. At that point, the epidural was completely absent. I felt everything.

Forty minutes later; at 1:40AM on February 8th, 2009, baby Emily was born sleeping. When I gave that one final push, all I could see from the position I was laying in was my doctor uncoiling the umbilical cord. 1....2....3....4.... The cord was wrapped around her neck 4 times. Everyone in the room was crying. Even my nurse was crying. My brother, who I have never seen cry in my whole life, was crying. My nurse wrapped little Emily up and then put her into my arms. Her tiny, little lifeless body. No physical pain amounts to the pain that I felt in that moment when I was holding my babygirl. My babygirl that I lost before I even had her. I stared at her tiny little face, her pale skin and ruby red lips. I stroked her baby soft skin. She had that newborn smell. Her tiny little feet and long limbs (that she gets from her dad).. She was so perfect.

My doctor stepped out for a few moments to let us have our moment with our angel baby. Everyone in the room got to hold her for the first and last time. There were so many emotions and so many tears being shed at once. We were all waiting for her arrival, but we never imagined that it would be like this. I cannot begin to describe how low I felt at that moment.

To be continued...

Void

I'm not sure what has been going on with me or why I've been feeling what I'm feeling. I've stayed away from blogging for a while now just because I had no idea how to explain the state-of-mind that I was in.

The family and I went to go visit our little princess today. Now I know why I've stayed away for so long. My heart sinks every time we go visit her. It aches. I thought it would get easier, that I would get use to the feeling. I thought wrong. It has been getting harder and harder. The more days we have without her, the more it hurts. There's a void in my heart and I don't know when it will ever get filled.


I've been working a few days out of the week lately and I'll be going back to school in the fall. If things go as planned, I'll have my LVN certificate in 3 years. As I'm looking ahead to the future, finishing school, finally starting my career, I still feel like something is missing. Long story short, I would like to have another baby. Call me crazy.. I just gave birth to our daughter almost a year and a half ago. It's been emotionally tough without her. But I feel so empty. My arms are empty. Although having another baby won't bring back our Emily, it's what I've been wanting more than anything. Going to see Emily Anne today only made that longing for another baby stronger.

This can totally backfire on me. What if I have another baby and the feeling is just as strong, if not stronger? But it's what I've been really thinking about and it's what I really want. My other half doesn't totally agree with me. He wants me to finish school first and then we'll think about having another baby. He doesn't understand. No one understands.

I wish everyone would understand or be able to explain to me why you get these feelings after losing your baby before you even had them. I wish all babies would be born healthy so that we wouldn't even have to have these feelings. It's not fair.

Her story, part 1

Okay, so here I am. It's after midnight and I'm sitting here blogging on our roommates mini laptop/netbook. It's Monday, February 8, 2010. It's officially Emily Anne's 1st birthday. At 1:40AM, it will be exactly 365 days since we got to meet our babygirl. This is what happened that day and the days that led up to it.

For those of you that I have not met, I also have a son that will be 3 in April named Ethan Jordan. My pregnancy with him was very normal and then I suddenly had a placental abruption at 35 weeks & 4 days gestation. The doctors said that he probably had a lack of oxygen for at least 12 hours, which caused him severe brain damage. The doctors said that in cases like Ethan's the baby usually doesn't survive. He spent 5 weeks in the NICU. This was, at the time, the most difficult thing that we had to go through.

During my pregnancy with Emily, I was always very paranoid and constantly thinking about the worst that could happen. I wasn't prepared to have another baby spend weeks in the NICU or to have doctors "urge" us to pull the plug on our baby. I especially wasn't emotionally prepared. I was very careful and I was always making sure that Emily was still moving.

It was a Tuesday night. I was 35 weeks & 3 days pregnant. Going on 35 + 4. I then became really paranoid. Emily's movements were decreasing. I sat there debating if I should go to Labor & Delivery and then I felt her move. Friday comes around and it's the day of my 36 week check-up. I get up, get ready, have lunch, take Ethan to his physical therapy appointment.. then it's time for my appointment. Going into this appointment, I was very optimistic. To me.. getting past 35 weeks & 4 days was very good. It was the point where I told myself that I didn't need to worry anymore.

My doctor was on vacation at the time so another OB substituted for her til she came back. Dr. S. (for substitute) came in and pulls out her doppler and all we hear is static. She goes to get another doppler thinking that something was wrong with hers. Still... only static. She then leads us to another room so that we can do an ultrasound. I really didn't know what was going on. I started getting anxious. Dr. S. does a quick ultrasound and says,"These ultrasound machines are a little bit older and I can't read them well so let me go get another doctor to do it." At this point, I knew something was wrong. Another doctor comes in, feels around a little bit. This is where my world fell apart. She said to me,"I'm sorry... but this doesn't look good. Your baby doesn't have a heartbeat." I think at that point.. I too no longer had a heartbeat. I didn't know what to say or think. All I said was,"Are you sure?" And she said,"Yes." and showed me all 4 chambers of Emily's little heart and it was not fluttering at all. That little speck that is rapidly beating during ultrasounds was very, very still. There it was.... with our first baby, we were told that he might not survive and with our second... we were told that she died before even being born.

The doctors left us alone for a little bit and I just cried... I called my sister and I just cried. How could this happen? That's all I was thinking. The doctors gave us two options: 1.) Go home and let it sink in and come back to deliver the baby when I was ready or 2.) Go across the street to the hospital right away and get induced immediately. I chose option 2.

We go across the street and Labor & Delivery know our situation. I walk in with tears streaming down my face with bloodshot eyes and some of the nurses stared because they weren't aware of what happened. One nurse immediately gave me a big, long hug and said,"I'm sorry, sweetie. We can't change it, but we can make it better." Bless that nurse's heart. I change into my gown and a few nurses were getting things ready in my room. One of them said,"Awww she's crying!" and then there was silence. I knew the other nurse was silently mouthing what happened. I get settled in, the uncomfortable IV is put in, then the team of doctors come in. We talk about what happened, my medical history.. family history, etc. They couldn't figure out what happened. We talked about getting an autopsy done after the delivery and another test that would require them to take a piece of her skin. I was induced at about 8pm, Friday, February 6, 2009.


TO BE CONTINUED..


RIP Our sweet angel baby, Emily Anne.
Born into God's arms on February 8, 2009 @ 1:40AM
I miss you dearly and I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. I love you.

Two weeks and five days...

... just two weeks and five days away from Emily Anne's birthday, the day that we met her, the day we got to hold her in our arms, the day that we had to tuck her in and walk away as the nurse said,"I'll take good care of her" as I was wheeled away into my recovery room.. My recovery room that wasn't in the MICC (Mother and Infant Care Center), but it was on the other side of the hospital in the surgical unit.. where patients were recovering from surgery, where I wouldn't be able to hear the sound of newborns crying. That day was tough. And that anniversary is coming up and I don't know how I'm going to handle it.

I've been really wanting to go to visit Emily, but the weather has been horrible over here in California. Our highways are flooded, there are power outages all over the bay area, and there is a tornado warning. I have never heard of a tornado warning in California. It just doesn't happen. But that's what I also thought when I was pregnant with Emily. Losing your baby before they're even born... that just doesn't happen. But it does. I was so naive and I feel like I wasn't paranoid enough. I didn't do my kick counts like I should have. I didn't trust my motherly instinct when I didn't feel her moving as much. I always go through what I could have done to prevent it. What I could have done to protect my baby. I had one job, to bring my baby into this world safe and sound.. and I couldn't even do that. What will happen when I'm pregnant with our 3rd child?

Seeing babies is just as hard as ever. One of my close friends is having a baby. A babygirl. That one got me. I'm also planning her baby shower with a few of my closest friends. It's a little difficult for me, but I think I'm just sucking it up because I know I would want someone to suck it up for me.

I've been really thinking about having another baby, but I know I can't. I'm not physically nor am I emotionally ready for it. There are just those days where I feel like I just really want a baby to care for. A perfectly healthy newborn. I hope that I'm not the only one that feels like this after having lost a beautiful baby at 36 weeks gestation. After being so excited to have the 2nd granddaughter to add to my mom's 6 grandchildren. Emily would have been her 7th grandchild. Lucky #7. Our little angel. Oh how I miss her. Her blanket that she used no longer has the newborn smell to it anymore since I've slept with it and have probably sniffed all of that scent off of it. I wish it had that smell still. So I can have something to hold onto. Something more than just memories.

I realized that I have never posted the details of what happened. I don't know if I can. But I should. I think that if I talk about it and share it, those who read this will understand why I am so messed up sometimes. See from my eyes. Maybe I will post Emily's story in two weeks and five days...

The Holidays

It's been quite a while since my last post. I find myself not knowing what to say or thinking that maybe what I do have to say will offend someone or just not make any sense. You have no idea how many drafts I have saved since my last post.

The day that marked 10 months since I held Emily in my arms just passed and it was a little more difficult than all the other months. I'm not sure why. I really d0n't know how I'm going to get through her 1st Angel Day... She is still the last thing on my mind at night and that gets really difficult. I start thinking about her and there are time where I cry myself to sleep. I've been missing a lot of my son's appointments because it just slips my mind. Is this depression? I'm lost and confused.

A fellow blogger just recently gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy after giving birth to her beautiful stillborn daughter in August 2008. I imagine that I will one day be able to get to that day. The day that I am able to deliver a perfectly healthy baby that I am able to cuddle with and feed and change diapers for. I always sit there and think that I will never get to that point. That for some unknown reason... I'm not meant to have a healthy baby. I'm really hoping that I'm wrong. Sometimes I can't help but to think this and it breaks my heart.. that everyone I know can have healthy babies except me. I feel like a child that's whining because I can't have what I want.. Does every grieving mother feel like this?

I love my angel baby. I love her so much that it hurts. When anyone asks how many kids I have.. I hate having to tell them that my son is 2 1/2 and my daughter passed away this past February before she was even born. My heart is breaking everyday that passes without her in my arms.

My closest friends always have an annual Christmas party where we exchange gifts, eat and generally just have a great time together. I was 7 months pregnant during our last party. It breaks my heart that I have nothing to show for that. I don't have a precious little girl to show off or brag about. There's no brag book. There's no pictures of her first tooth. Her first smile. Blah. I just feel BLAH.

Letting go

I thought I would never be able to live my life again after giving birth to a baby that didn't have a heartbeat. It has been extremely tough... but I'm doing a lot better than I ever imagined. I miss her terribly. My heart aches everyday knowing that I can't hold my babygirl.

My sister just gave birth to a perfectly healthy babygirl. Her name is Makayla Lynn. Sweet Makayla. I love her so much already. When my sister was pregnant, I didn't want to get attached to the baby. Probably because my sister went through 2 miscarriages before Makayla. And because I'm traumatized after losing Emily. I was there when Makayla was born and it was probably the hardest thing I had to see since giving birth to Emily. I stood there smiling as the doctors put a crying baby onto my sister's chest, but inside I was crying for Emily. I held back my tears as I joined in on the smiles around the room. I am happy for my sister.. but I tried so hard to not run out of that hospital room crying.

Since then, I've tried to toughen up. I kept all of Emily's clothes, diapers, and brand new bouncer that we never took out of the box from the baby shower. But I decided to give it to baby Makayla. I decided to let go. Not because I want to forget Emily, but because I want to try to move on. Emily will forever be in my heart... I will one day be able to hold her in my arms and never let go. Until that day..


After 7 months... Emily's grave marker was finally made and placed after the funeral coordinator failed to order it initially...

It's been a while

I haven't been blogging lately. Not because I don't have anything to say... but because everything that I want to blog about is always the same thing. I miss Emily. I saw a babygirl today and she reminded me of Emily.

My sister is now 32 weeks pregnant and it has been confirmed that she's having a girl. Little Mikayla Lynne. Before I lost Emily, I was always so excited to touch a pregnant woman's belly and feel her baby kicking away inside her. Now... when I see my sister, I feel nothing. I don't wanna touch her belly or even hear about the baby kicking. I think I just feel like if it's not my baby that will be delivered healthy and well.... then I don't want to create a bond with it. Or I just feel so much pain when I do feel a baby kicking cause that was the last thing I felt of our little Emily. I felt her kicking that morning... then just 8 hours later... no heartbeat. Her last movement was her kicking. That's it. It hurts a lot to think that I never got to hear my baby cry or breastfeed her when my milk started coming in.

I look at my stomach and there are still stretch marks from my growing baby inside me that never took a breath on this earth. Four years from now is when I want to try for another baby.. when Ethan is 6. I think that when I do get pregnant.... those 9 months will be harder than these 4 years....

Imy, Emilybaby.