It's a girl!

My older sister is pregnant and she is having a girl! I'm full of a lot of emotions. I'm seriously happy and ecstatic for her because she went through 2 miscarriages before this pregnancy. Everytime I go see Emily, I tell her to watch over her baby cousin to make sure that she's okay and as much as she wants another friend to play with in Heaven, we want her baby cousin to be here.

At the same time, it makes me a little sad because I just wish that Emily could be here... and our little girls could grow up together and be really close like my cousins and I. It's a little bittersweet.



We went to our friend's bbq yesterday and one of them said to Erwin and I,"When are you guys gonna have another kid? I wanna see you guys have a daughter." We do have a daughter... she's just not here with us. Then I said I'm not ready to have another baby. It hasn't even been 4 months yet. He said that stuff happens and that we should keep trying and that his mom had 2 miscarriages. And I said that it wasn't a miscarriage. If that cord wasn't around her neck and I delivered her, she would have survived as oppose to a baby that is less than 20 weeks. I'm not saying that babies under 20 weeks are less significant that babies that are over 20 weeks.. but she was almost full term. I got to cradle her in my arms. It just really hit the spot when he said that to me... as if Emily didn't exist. It hurt. A lot. He didn't realize it, but I sat there with tears stinging my eyes as I tried to hold myself together. I haven't felt like that in a while...

Reassurance

It's late.. I should be sleeping, but here I am... lurking around other blogs and thinking about our Emily, as usual. Ethan's surgery is tomorrow. I'm nervous and I'm hoping that everything goes well and he won't have to spend more than one night in the PICU.


I stumbled upon a blog (the blog world for grieving mothers is GREAT and has been exceptionally helpful to me) and instead of doing 25 random things on facebook the normal way, she did it the bereaved way. So I thought I should it too. So here it goes.

25 facts (give or take) about my pregnancy, my labor, and our baby girl, Emily Anne.

1. | I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was almost 5 months pregnant. It was October 6, 2008. My due date was March 7, 2008. I know, how could I have not known!!!!

2. | I had plenty of girl names picked out, but we narrowed it down to 2. Kaelynn Marie and Emily Anne. While my good friend Julie and I were shopping for my baby shower invitations, Emily Anne was the name on a sample birth announcement. That day, our minds were set on Emily Anne and I'm glad we chose that name... the name of an angel. :)

3.| My baby shower was on January 24, 2009. I was exactly 34 weeks pregnant. Emily kicked at my ribs the whole time.

4.| On February 6, 2009, I had my 36 week check-up. I felt her kicking that morning. This was the day we found out our babygirl no longer had a heartbeat. I had no words and I even asked the doctors if they were sure. They showed me the ultrasound and where there is usually a little flickering speck... there was no movement. The doctors showed it to me when I asked them to make sure again when I went to the hospital.

5.| I was induced on 2.6.09 at about 7PM. I delivered Emily on 2.8.09 at 1:40AM. Nearly 31 hours laboring for our babygirl who we wouldn't hear cry when she arrived..

6. | Emily Anne DeCastro was born on February 8, 2009 at 1:40AM weighing in at 4lbs. 15.8ounces and measured 19 inches long. We didn't know the reason for her death until she was delivered. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck 4 times and so tight.. that there was no longer any blood in the cord.

7.| Emily definitely had her dad's height, but she had my features; round face, big cheeks, button nose. She was so tall and lanky... with big beautiful eyes, eyebrows and LONG eyelashes that were already visible.

8.| My wonderful nurse, Leanne, cried with our family when she saw Emily. She said that she has never seen the cord wrapped around a baby that many times before.

9.| Emily Anne's viewing was held on 2.17.09 and her burial was on 2.18.09 (my mom's birthday) on a sunny day that was suppose to be rainy. She was wearing a cute little summer dress and pink cardigan that my sister bought for her and she was wearing cute little booties that Auntie Ronalyn bought for her. She was buried with a bunny from Uncle Andy, a giraffe from Auntie Lisa, an outfit from Auntie Kim, an outfit from Auntie Jen and Uncle John, 2 bottles and a pacifier that I had bought for her just 1 week before, and a winnie the pooh blanket from Great Auntie Kathy that had her named embroidered on it.

10.| I used to be scared to go to the cemetary.... scared to even just drive by one. But now I feel comfortable going alone. It saddens me that my daughter's death is what helped me get over my fear.

11.| I have cried everyday since her birth and death.. The amount of tears are generally less on some days.

12.| I love talking about her. So please don't feel uncomfortable if you happen to bring her up by accident. Or don't hesitate to ask about her.

13.| I hate those general responses... like "It'll be okay." "I know how you feel." If you have not lost your child, you will never know how it feels.

14.| We still have all of her clothes that we received from the baby shower.. tucked away under Ethan's crib and some more in a container in our closet. I washed and folded everything just 2 days before I was induced..

15.| My heart aches when I see babies, especially baby girls... which is literally everywhere I go. But it also makes me smile... possibly giving me hope that I will one day be able to hold our perfectly healthy third child.

16.| I always look through babygirl clothes before I go shopping for Ethan.

17.| I am positive that Emily would've been a gymnast. I felt her literally doing tumbles inside my belly.

18.| I don't think I've hit the worst part of grieving yet. I am still in the early stages.

19.| Emily is the 2nd granddaughter in our family. My niece is 12 so you can imagine how excited we were for her arrival.

20.| We don't have any pictures of her visible in our room. Not because we wanna forget her, but because it's extremely painful for me. I think seeing her pictures online and on everyone's profiles is enough for me.

21.| My calendar for the month of February/March is still up. I can't bring myself to erase it and write in the days for April because it has the day we were suppose to attend our childbirth class 2.7.09 and her due date 3.7.09

22.| On most days, I blame myself for her death... thinking that I could've done something to prevent it.

23.| It took me over a month to figure out what I wanted written on her grave marker.

24.| She would have been 2 months and 1 week old today.

25.| What I miss about her most: waking up to her kicks and tumbles.

A lot of these things are random, and I will one day put more thought and effort into editing this. But for now... at 1AM... this is what comes to mind.

Referring to #12 and the title to this entry...

I saw Maryanne on Friday night when I went to visit my Edgie's family. It was first time I've seen her since Emily's death. She hugged me and asked me how I was doing... of course it meant not how I was doing today, but how I was doing in general. I then said I'm doing okay.. and she talked about how she was so shocked when she saw my pictures posted of Emily and I could tell that tears were stinging her eyes as I talked a little of what happened. She didn't ask me what happened. I just told her. Because I know how hard it is to ask someone what happened knowing that it brings back painful memories. But I love talking her. There are days where it is harder than others to talk about Emily... but it helps me. A lot. So please... I reassure you that I'm okay with talking about her. I will gladly spill my heart out to you if you ask of me. I'm not sure if I make sense.

It's late.



Happy Tuesday.

Love, Wendee

Dreams

Dreams are all I have of our sweet Emily Anne. I dreamed of her last night. But I have a tendency to wake up remembering my dreams and then 5 minutes later... that memory is completely gone.

It was a happy dream. I was happy with Emily in my arms. That's all I can remember.

An update on Ethan:
Ethan has been doing well. We got discharged on Saturday afternoon. He hasn't been needing a lot of suctioning of his nose and mouth, which is really good. He still kind of coughs up phlegm every now and then, but is good about not choking on it. He stops his antibiotics on Sunday and has surgery on Tuesday. In addition to inserting a gastrostomy tube, the surgeon is also going to do a Nissin fundoplication. Basically, the fundoplication allows anything to go into his stomach, but nothing can go back up. That way, he can't aspirate anything into his lungs and develop pneumonia again. They did an upper GI X-ray and found that Ethan was refluxing anything that was going down his esophagus. I hope and pray that after the surgery, he recovers quickly and is able to get off the respirator in time for his 2nd birthday on the 25th! He's getting so big and he looks more and more like a little man everyday.

It's been raining which means it's snowing. I haven't been able to go snowboarding at all this season. We did go to Tahoe in the beginning of the year, but I was pregnant with Emily, so I stayed off the slopes. Hopefully I'll be able to go at least once before the snow melts.



I'm sorry. I'm scattered all over the place.

Just one of those days...

So it has been 2 days since Ethan was discharged from the hospital with the NG-tube. That thing looks so uncomfortable, and sometimes he doesn't even tolerate his feeds and ends up throwing it all up. You can tell that it's hard for him to swallow and control his secretions because he has a tube going down his throat. My poor little man.. and to top that off, he has had a fever since yesterday morning, but it hasn't been high enough for us to take him into urgent care. So, I'm gonna wait it out a little longer to see if it'll go away. I just hope and pray that he doesn't have an infection. Another week of this... I hate having to see him go through this. I was up at 5AM because I heard Ethan coughing, so I picked him up and he kept crying and whining and I didn't know what to do to make him more comfortable or make him feel better. I got so frustrated because I couldn't soothe my own son. I then looked down at Emily Anne's clothes and it made things a whole lot worse. I was frustrated & sad all at the same time. It would have been hard caring for both of my babies, but sometimes I feel like it's so much harder without her here. Only because I'm emotionally drained and it makes me feel so tired sometimes. Maybe I'm being overdramatic.

I made my (almost) daily visit to Emily's grave yesterday to water her grass and leave a couple of things for her. I also picked up her fetal death certificate. A temporary marker was put on her grave until her actual marker is made. Who would have thought that I would be looking at my daughter's name on a grave marker and a death certificate... I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will.. I miss her..

An angel in the book of life

Wrote down your date of birth,
And whispered as she closed the book,
"Too beautiful for this Earth"