Letting go

I thought I would never be able to live my life again after giving birth to a baby that didn't have a heartbeat. It has been extremely tough... but I'm doing a lot better than I ever imagined. I miss her terribly. My heart aches everyday knowing that I can't hold my babygirl.

My sister just gave birth to a perfectly healthy babygirl. Her name is Makayla Lynn. Sweet Makayla. I love her so much already. When my sister was pregnant, I didn't want to get attached to the baby. Probably because my sister went through 2 miscarriages before Makayla. And because I'm traumatized after losing Emily. I was there when Makayla was born and it was probably the hardest thing I had to see since giving birth to Emily. I stood there smiling as the doctors put a crying baby onto my sister's chest, but inside I was crying for Emily. I held back my tears as I joined in on the smiles around the room. I am happy for my sister.. but I tried so hard to not run out of that hospital room crying.

Since then, I've tried to toughen up. I kept all of Emily's clothes, diapers, and brand new bouncer that we never took out of the box from the baby shower. But I decided to give it to baby Makayla. I decided to let go. Not because I want to forget Emily, but because I want to try to move on. Emily will forever be in my heart... I will one day be able to hold her in my arms and never let go. Until that day..


After 7 months... Emily's grave marker was finally made and placed after the funeral coordinator failed to order it initially...

It's been a while

I haven't been blogging lately. Not because I don't have anything to say... but because everything that I want to blog about is always the same thing. I miss Emily. I saw a babygirl today and she reminded me of Emily.

My sister is now 32 weeks pregnant and it has been confirmed that she's having a girl. Little Mikayla Lynne. Before I lost Emily, I was always so excited to touch a pregnant woman's belly and feel her baby kicking away inside her. Now... when I see my sister, I feel nothing. I don't wanna touch her belly or even hear about the baby kicking. I think I just feel like if it's not my baby that will be delivered healthy and well.... then I don't want to create a bond with it. Or I just feel so much pain when I do feel a baby kicking cause that was the last thing I felt of our little Emily. I felt her kicking that morning... then just 8 hours later... no heartbeat. Her last movement was her kicking. That's it. It hurts a lot to think that I never got to hear my baby cry or breastfeed her when my milk started coming in.

I look at my stomach and there are still stretch marks from my growing baby inside me that never took a breath on this earth. Four years from now is when I want to try for another baby.. when Ethan is 6. I think that when I do get pregnant.... those 9 months will be harder than these 4 years....

Imy, Emilybaby.

It's so hard....

As I get further and further away from the day that I saw my babygirl... the harder it gets. It gets to the point where I dunno what to do to help myself... I cry, but it doesn't really help. I keep telling myself that if I would just pull out her clothes, maybe it'll give me closure or something. Sometimes I feel like I was never pregnant or that I never had a daughter because she's not here... because we only have one crib now as oppose to 2.... because I still have an unopened bouncer and a bunch of newborn diapers. It hurts soooooo much and I don't know what to do.

I recently started working so I don't have a lot of time to go visit Emily anymore. Not as much as I use to. Ethan is getting so big so it's hard to take him anywhere. So, most of the time we just stay home.





She would have been 4 months old. Probably in a size 2 diaper, wearing size 3 - 6 months... probably size 2 in shoes cause she had big feet.... she probably would've been smiling at us like she did when we did the 3D/4D ultrasound. Her personality would've been coming out. Probably outrageous like me and mellow like her daddy. I imagine she would've been just like me... grumpy when she's sleepy and hungry, sleeping all day long... crazy when she's hyper and awake... then she would have her lazy days where she isn't in the mood for anything. My mini me. Gosh I miss her. I've thought about writing letters to her. Sounds weird right? But it has always been easier for me to write down my words than saying them.


Emilybaby... we haven't and will never forget about you. I miss & love you. Watch over your big brother. He needs your help.

Love, Mommy.

Grief is taking over

It's settling in as today marks the 4th month since the death and birth of our babygirl. I don't know how to handle it. God help me...

It's a girl!

My older sister is pregnant and she is having a girl! I'm full of a lot of emotions. I'm seriously happy and ecstatic for her because she went through 2 miscarriages before this pregnancy. Everytime I go see Emily, I tell her to watch over her baby cousin to make sure that she's okay and as much as she wants another friend to play with in Heaven, we want her baby cousin to be here.

At the same time, it makes me a little sad because I just wish that Emily could be here... and our little girls could grow up together and be really close like my cousins and I. It's a little bittersweet.



We went to our friend's bbq yesterday and one of them said to Erwin and I,"When are you guys gonna have another kid? I wanna see you guys have a daughter." We do have a daughter... she's just not here with us. Then I said I'm not ready to have another baby. It hasn't even been 4 months yet. He said that stuff happens and that we should keep trying and that his mom had 2 miscarriages. And I said that it wasn't a miscarriage. If that cord wasn't around her neck and I delivered her, she would have survived as oppose to a baby that is less than 20 weeks. I'm not saying that babies under 20 weeks are less significant that babies that are over 20 weeks.. but she was almost full term. I got to cradle her in my arms. It just really hit the spot when he said that to me... as if Emily didn't exist. It hurt. A lot. He didn't realize it, but I sat there with tears stinging my eyes as I tried to hold myself together. I haven't felt like that in a while...

What hurts the most

I found this image on PostSecret. For those of you that don't know about it, this guy has people send in their secrets on a postcard and he publishes them. Some are just little secrets and some are HUGE secrets that are shocking. Everyone has secrets.

So this was sent in by Anonymous and when I read it, it hurt me a lot and I really don't know what. Possibly because I hate the fact that I can relate to it because I lost my baby.... and we did take pictures of her during her funeral. And this person doesn't understand what their friend or whoever is going through... What I'm trying to get at is if you don't understand what I'm going through, at least keep an open mind and know that Emily was still our baby. We took pictures of her because she is our baby and regardless of whether or not she was dead, those are the only pictures that we will ever have of her. We won't have pictures of her first smile, the first time she crawls or is able to sit on her own, or walks. We won't have that. The only pictures we have of her are lifeless. Her little body was lifeless. I won't have pictures that make me smile because she's smiling in it.

I only have pictures of her... with her eyes closed... her cold skin, no smiles... And that's what hurts the most.

Officially missing you

I had a dream last night.

I dreamed that I was pregnant again.. and that we lost the baby, again.

This terrifies me. I will never be able to be pregnant with our third without worrying every second and every minute of everyday during my pregnancy, that something will go terribly wrong.

I told my best friend about my dream and I told him that I can't even carry a child to 40 weeks and deliver them safely into world. I can't even go past 36 weeks for that matter. And he said do you think there's a test that tells you if you can have babies. I can definitely have babies... I just can't bring them to term.


Mother's day came and went. It was easy, but hard at the same time. I'm at ease knowing that one day I will spend Mother's Day with Emily in my arms. One day I will hold her again. I wait patiently for that day.