Monday, October 5, 2009

Letting go

I thought I would never be able to live my life again after giving birth to a baby that didn't have a heartbeat. It has been extremely tough... but I'm doing a lot better than I ever imagined. I miss her terribly. My heart aches everyday knowing that I can't hold my babygirl.

My sister just gave birth to a perfectly healthy babygirl. Her name is Makayla Lynn. Sweet Makayla. I love her so much already. When my sister was pregnant, I didn't want to get attached to the baby. Probably because my sister went through 2 miscarriages before Makayla. And because I'm traumatized after losing Emily. I was there when Makayla was born and it was probably the hardest thing I had to see since giving birth to Emily. I stood there smiling as the doctors put a crying baby onto my sister's chest, but inside I was crying for Emily. I held back my tears as I joined in on the smiles around the room. I am happy for my sister.. but I tried so hard to not run out of that hospital room crying.

Since then, I've tried to toughen up. I kept all of Emily's clothes, diapers, and brand new bouncer that we never took out of the box from the baby shower. But I decided to give it to baby Makayla. I decided to let go. Not because I want to forget Emily, but because I want to try to move on. Emily will forever be in my heart... I will one day be able to hold her in my arms and never let go. Until that day..

After 7 months... Emily's grave marker was finally made and placed after the funeral coordinator failed to order it initially...