Monday, February 8, 2010

Her story, part 1

Okay, so here I am. It's after midnight and I'm sitting here blogging on our roommates mini laptop/netbook. It's Monday, February 8, 2010. It's officially Emily Anne's 1st birthday. At 1:40AM, it will be exactly 365 days since we got to meet our babygirl. This is what happened that day and the days that led up to it.

For those of you that I have not met, I also have a son that will be 3 in April named Ethan Jordan. My pregnancy with him was very normal and then I suddenly had a placental abruption at 35 weeks & 4 days gestation. The doctors said that he probably had a lack of oxygen for at least 12 hours, which caused him severe brain damage. The doctors said that in cases like Ethan's the baby usually doesn't survive. He spent 5 weeks in the NICU. This was, at the time, the most difficult thing that we had to go through.

During my pregnancy with Emily, I was always very paranoid and constantly thinking about the worst that could happen. I wasn't prepared to have another baby spend weeks in the NICU or to have doctors "urge" us to pull the plug on our baby. I especially wasn't emotionally prepared. I was very careful and I was always making sure that Emily was still moving.

It was a Tuesday night. I was 35 weeks & 3 days pregnant. Going on 35 + 4. I then became really paranoid. Emily's movements were decreasing. I sat there debating if I should go to Labor & Delivery and then I felt her move. Friday comes around and it's the day of my 36 week check-up. I get up, get ready, have lunch, take Ethan to his physical therapy appointment.. then it's time for my appointment. Going into this appointment, I was very optimistic. To me.. getting past 35 weeks & 4 days was very good. It was the point where I told myself that I didn't need to worry anymore.

My doctor was on vacation at the time so another OB substituted for her til she came back. Dr. S. (for substitute) came in and pulls out her doppler and all we hear is static. She goes to get another doppler thinking that something was wrong with hers. Still... only static. She then leads us to another room so that we can do an ultrasound. I really didn't know what was going on. I started getting anxious. Dr. S. does a quick ultrasound and says,"These ultrasound machines are a little bit older and I can't read them well so let me go get another doctor to do it." At this point, I knew something was wrong. Another doctor comes in, feels around a little bit. This is where my world fell apart. She said to me,"I'm sorry... but this doesn't look good. Your baby doesn't have a heartbeat." I think at that point.. I too no longer had a heartbeat. I didn't know what to say or think. All I said was,"Are you sure?" And she said,"Yes." and showed me all 4 chambers of Emily's little heart and it was not fluttering at all. That little speck that is rapidly beating during ultrasounds was very, very still. There it was.... with our first baby, we were told that he might not survive and with our second... we were told that she died before even being born.

The doctors left us alone for a little bit and I just cried... I called my sister and I just cried. How could this happen? That's all I was thinking. The doctors gave us two options: 1.) Go home and let it sink in and come back to deliver the baby when I was ready or 2.) Go across the street to the hospital right away and get induced immediately. I chose option 2.

We go across the street and Labor & Delivery know our situation. I walk in with tears streaming down my face with bloodshot eyes and some of the nurses stared because they weren't aware of what happened. One nurse immediately gave me a big, long hug and said,"I'm sorry, sweetie. We can't change it, but we can make it better." Bless that nurse's heart. I change into my gown and a few nurses were getting things ready in my room. One of them said,"Awww she's crying!" and then there was silence. I knew the other nurse was silently mouthing what happened. I get settled in, the uncomfortable IV is put in, then the team of doctors come in. We talk about what happened, my medical history.. family history, etc. They couldn't figure out what happened. We talked about getting an autopsy done after the delivery and another test that would require them to take a piece of her skin. I was induced at about 8pm, Friday, February 6, 2009.


RIP Our sweet angel baby, Emily Anne.
Born into God's arms on February 8, 2009 @ 1:40AM
I miss you dearly and I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. I love you.