Saturday, March 28, 2009

Just one of those days...

So it has been 2 days since Ethan was discharged from the hospital with the NG-tube. That thing looks so uncomfortable, and sometimes he doesn't even tolerate his feeds and ends up throwing it all up. You can tell that it's hard for him to swallow and control his secretions because he has a tube going down his throat. My poor little man.. and to top that off, he has had a fever since yesterday morning, but it hasn't been high enough for us to take him into urgent care. So, I'm gonna wait it out a little longer to see if it'll go away. I just hope and pray that he doesn't have an infection. Another week of this... I hate having to see him go through this. I was up at 5AM because I heard Ethan coughing, so I picked him up and he kept crying and whining and I didn't know what to do to make him more comfortable or make him feel better. I got so frustrated because I couldn't soothe my own son. I then looked down at Emily Anne's clothes and it made things a whole lot worse. I was frustrated & sad all at the same time. It would have been hard caring for both of my babies, but sometimes I feel like it's so much harder without her here. Only because I'm emotionally drained and it makes me feel so tired sometimes. Maybe I'm being overdramatic.

I made my (almost) daily visit to Emily's grave yesterday to water her grass and leave a couple of things for her. I also picked up her fetal death certificate. A temporary marker was put on her grave until her actual marker is made. Who would have thought that I would be looking at my daughter's name on a grave marker and a death certificate... I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will.. I miss her..

An angel in the book of life
Wrote down your date of birth,
And whispered as she closed the book,
"Too beautiful for this Earth"

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

It hurts.

I am at the hospital with Ethan because he needs to have a NG-tube put in through his nose into his belly to temporarily nourish him until we can get penciled in for the insertion of a G-tube. I've spent too much time at this hospital... I feel like I know everyone here and I don't even need procedures read to me anymore. I know what to sign and where to sign, and how to work the machines even.

You know you've been here enough when nurses recognize you. She asked me,"You've been here before, right?" And I said yes. Then she asks,"Do you have any other children?" and I said no... I did it again. I have forsaken my babygirl once again and I apologize dearly. It just didn't come naturally to me... to say that I have a daughter.. who is no longer living.. who died before she could even take a breath of fresh air. It's still very surreal to me. I hate having to walk by her stack of diapers that we received at our baby shower. Her pretty pink Boppy bouncer that I wish I could've opened and built just for her. It hurts. A lot.

I got a call from my OB today and she said that all the labs we took the day I went to hospital were all normal. The placenta was sent for studies and there were no signs of infection or genetic disorders. She would have been a perfect, healthy, baby girl. OUR perfect babygirl.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Emotional wreck

It's 30 minutes past midnight and I'm still awake regardless of how early I have to get up in the morning to get ready for Ethan's visit with his Earlystart teachers. Ethan is still up. He tends to fall asleep around 10 or 11 and then wakes up an hour or so later. His dietician is so concerned about his weight and thinks that his sleeping habits might be a factor. He will be 2 years old next month (4/25) and he is only 17 pounds. He's truly our little man. He hasn't been wanting to drink out of a bottle lately so his pediatrician is recommending that we get a G-tube placed in his belly again. =( I'm praying that he will come around and drink as much Pediasure as possible. He FINALLY started drinking out of his bottle today so I'm hoping that he keeps it up. But I don't know if I should get my hopes up cause when I feel like Ethan is taking a step forward, he takes one step back and falls further behind. Please pray for him!

I've been on edge lately. Sometimes I miss Emily so much that I'll sit there with Ethan in my arms..crying..wishing that I was holding the both of them. She would have been a little over 5 weeks today and I wonder what she would have looked like. She was so beautiful when she was born and I could only imagine how her beauty would have flourished as she got older. I wonder if she would have looked like me when I was a baby. This is so hard...

My sister is pregnant and she had 2 miscarriages prior to this pregnancy. I'm hoping and praying that everything turns out okay for my sister's sake. I don't know if she can endure another loss.

I was thinking today about all of the clothes that were given to Emily at my babyshower and how I had washed and folded all of it, preparing for her arrival, just 2 days before that horrible day... It breaks my heart to see all of it because those clothes are hers... they were meant for her. I put a couple of outfits in her casket with her, but kept the rest. I should have thought to put everything in there because they're hers. It's going to be so hard to give it to someone else's baby.. *sigh* Gosh, I miss her so much.

(Subject jump)

I don't know how I will ever be able to become pregnant again. Throughout my pregnancy with Emily, I was so terrified and paranoid because I was scared that I would have another placental abruption. If or when we are ready to try again, I am going to be extremely, EXTREMELY terrified... I am going to want to hear my baby's heartbeat every minute and every second out of the day. It'll be so nerve-wrecking.

I apologize for being so disorganized, but this is what my mind has been like lately. There are days where I feel like I'm thinking of 1,000,001 things. When will my mind be anywhere close to what it use to be..

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy St. Patrick's Day

My daughter lives through me and through those who also love and miss her much as Erwin and I do. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be going out. As if I'm betraying my daughter because I am not at home grieving. But I should live my life and do normal things so that my daughter's spirit lives on. Right? I feel like I'm being judged by others, but maybe it's just me.

Erwin, Ethan, Katie, Kim, Julie, Ronalyn, and I went to go visit Emily today for St. Patrick's Day. Her first St. Patty's day. It's a little bittersweet. I miss her dearly, but I am at ease knowing that she will never be tainted by the bad things in this world. There is a little boy that is right next to Emily and he was stillborn on August 2006. His plot is empty and it looks like it hasn't been visited in a long time. I stood there thinking to myself, did his family forget about him? Or is it too hard for the family to come back to something that brings back really bad memories? I don't know. I just hope that when I go back to visit Emily.. that there will still be flowers and little gifts from those who have not forgotten her. As my first daughter, and maybe my only daughter, she will forever be etched in my memory.

I had a lot of things that I wanted to blog about this morning, but I completely forgot what. Great..

Monday, March 16, 2009

A little lost

WARNING: A lot of venting follows.

I really don't know what blogging will do for me, but one of my new friends, Jaimee, started one and it somehow led to a blog of a woman who had also lost a child due to an umbilical cord accident. It somehow gives me a place to escape.. to not keep anything in. It has always been hard for me to say exactly what's on my mind. I would think things through and it would just stay on the tip of my tongue and I would never be able to say it outloud. You would think that it's hard for Erwin and I to communicate, but we somehow do.

It's been 5 weeks and 1 day since I gave birth to my little girl. Things have been hard for me, but I'll never admit it to anyone and I'll never let it show. I think about her constantly. I've been having really disturbing dreams about her and I wake up not knowing how to analyze that dream. I don't think you could even call it a dream. It was more like a nightmare. I don't even wanna think about it anymore. I've been going on this website called SHARE and it was created for mothers who have preemies that are in the NICU fighting for their lives or those who have lost their babies. Whether it was because of prematurity and the baby just wasn't developed enough to survive or if their 39 weeker was a stillborn. It devastates me to know that so many innocent babies die everyday because due to prematurity or are stillborn and no one can tell the parents why.

For those of you who do not know what happened and are wondering what my blog title means, I am the mother of two perfect little angels. At 35 weeks and 4 days gestation, our Earth Angel, Ethan Jordan, was born on April 25, 2007 @ 10:47AM. Because of a placental abruption, Ethan suffered severe brain damage and spent 5 weeks in the NICU. He is almost 2 years old and is slowly thriving through this imperfect life. When Ethan was just a little over a year old, I got pregnant with our second child. We were ecstatic when we found out it was a girl! At 35 weeks and 6 days gestation, we found out our babygirl no longer had heartbeat. Emily Anne was born into God's arms on February 8, 2009 @ 1:40AM.

My journey through all of this has been overwhelming. I have so many questions that are unanswered and they will never be answered. I'm trying to understand this imperfect life that I am living. Why did it have to be me? Am I being punished? Why couldn't someone just give me a sign to know that my baby was struggling inside my womb? Why didn't I go in that Wednesday when I felt her movements decreasing? I feel guilty, angry, lost, confused... UGH someone help me.

Yesterday, Erwin & I finally went to go return some of the things we received during Emily Anne's baby shower. I didn't show it, but it was killing me inside. I didn't wanna let go. I didn't want reality to set in. Although it's been over a month, I still feel like this is all so surreal. I tell myself that my baby is gone, but I just wish that she wasn't. I don't think that anyone or anything can fill this void in my heart. Things will never be the same.

I've been going back to Emily's grave every weekend and I think to myself... I can't believe I'm here... standing over my daughter's grave. Is this really how life should be? A parent burying their child? I then become selfish and wish for just one more moment with my babygirl... just a few more minutes holding my angel... whether she was alive or not. I miss her so much...

I'm emotionally exhausted. Til next time.