Saturday, July 10, 2010


I'm not sure what has been going on with me or why I've been feeling what I'm feeling. I've stayed away from blogging for a while now just because I had no idea how to explain the state-of-mind that I was in.

The family and I went to go visit our little princess today. Now I know why I've stayed away for so long. My heart sinks every time we go visit her. It aches. I thought it would get easier, that I would get use to the feeling. I thought wrong. It has been getting harder and harder. The more days we have without her, the more it hurts. There's a void in my heart and I don't know when it will ever get filled.

I've been working a few days out of the week lately and I'll be going back to school in the fall. If things go as planned, I'll have my LVN certificate in 3 years. As I'm looking ahead to the future, finishing school, finally starting my career, I still feel like something is missing. Long story short, I would like to have another baby. Call me crazy.. I just gave birth to our daughter almost a year and a half ago. It's been emotionally tough without her. But I feel so empty. My arms are empty. Although having another baby won't bring back our Emily, it's what I've been wanting more than anything. Going to see Emily Anne today only made that longing for another baby stronger.

This can totally backfire on me. What if I have another baby and the feeling is just as strong, if not stronger? But it's what I've been really thinking about and it's what I really want. My other half doesn't totally agree with me. He wants me to finish school first and then we'll think about having another baby. He doesn't understand. No one understands.

I wish everyone would understand or be able to explain to me why you get these feelings after losing your baby before you even had them. I wish all babies would be born healthy so that we wouldn't even have to have these feelings. It's not fair.