60 days and 60 nights..

Tomorrow will be two months since Ethan passed away. Sixty whole days without my baby. I remember missing him sooo much just being away from him overnight or for the weekend. Sixty days makes the weekend seem like nothing. It makes me wish that it was only the weekend or a couple of nights with Lola and Lolo that Ethan was away from us.

You would think that it gets easier as time goes on. For me, it hasn't. It's been hard, really hard. Sure, I live life like I normally would. I go to work, I go out with friends, etc. But then there are those moments. Those moments where I get a burn in my neck and my eyes start to water. Those moments where I miss Ethan so much that it my body literally aches. Those moments where I would think that if I could have one wish, I would wish to be able to hold him again just for a little while. Those moments are hard.

Ethan's crib is still left untouched. I can't bring myself to put it away. I don't think Erwin can either. His diaper bag still has his change of clothes in there and an extra g-tube. His medicine is still in the cabinet. His clothes are still tucked away in the tallest dresser dedicated to his massive amount of clothes. It's all still there. He's still there. Everywhere we go.

I still get the feeling that I need to go pick him up and that I have to bring an extra jacket for him because it's freezing in San Jose. On Sundays, we use to pick him up before his Lolo went to church. At around 7:00pm on Sundays, I'm still programmed to think that we have to go get Ethan. Is this normal? Am I just going through the stages of grief?

Thanksgiving came and went. I have a huge family so of course it was crazy and hectic. Although Ethan wasn't mobile, he still made his presence. That was definitely missing this Thanksgiving. This holiday season will definitely be a hard one for me. I always had the joy of opening Ethan's gifts for him because he couldn't. How am I going to handle watching all of my nieces and nephews open gifts?

Dear Ethan,

I miss you more than words can describe. Please be good for mommy and daddy and watch over your baby sister. Although you're not here physically, you're in my heart always. Come visit me in my dreams. I want to see you. I want to hear your voice. I want to see for myself that you're okay and that I can move on. It's so hard without you, Ethan. I love you so much that it hurts not having you here. But I know that you're in Heaven, where everything is perfect and it's "for real". You're not in pain anymore. Your daily routine won't involve medications and seizures. You can run around and play. Just make sure you're not too rough with Emily Anne!  I love you two both very much. I can't wait to be able to hold you in my arms again.

Love,

Mommy

Remembering Ethan Jordan from AyyYoRae on Vimeo.