Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Holidays

It's been quite a while since my last post. I find myself not knowing what to say or thinking that maybe what I do have to say will offend someone or just not make any sense. You have no idea how many drafts I have saved since my last post.

The day that marked 10 months since I held Emily in my arms just passed and it was a little more difficult than all the other months. I'm not sure why. I really d0n't know how I'm going to get through her 1st Angel Day... She is still the last thing on my mind at night and that gets really difficult. I start thinking about her and there are time where I cry myself to sleep. I've been missing a lot of my son's appointments because it just slips my mind. Is this depression? I'm lost and confused.

A fellow blogger just recently gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy after giving birth to her beautiful stillborn daughter in August 2008. I imagine that I will one day be able to get to that day. The day that I am able to deliver a perfectly healthy baby that I am able to cuddle with and feed and change diapers for. I always sit there and think that I will never get to that point. That for some unknown reason... I'm not meant to have a healthy baby. I'm really hoping that I'm wrong. Sometimes I can't help but to think this and it breaks my heart.. that everyone I know can have healthy babies except me. I feel like a child that's whining because I can't have what I want.. Does every grieving mother feel like this?

I love my angel baby. I love her so much that it hurts. When anyone asks how many kids I have.. I hate having to tell them that my son is 2 1/2 and my daughter passed away this past February before she was even born. My heart is breaking everyday that passes without her in my arms.

My closest friends always have an annual Christmas party where we exchange gifts, eat and generally just have a great time together. I was 7 months pregnant during our last party. It breaks my heart that I have nothing to show for that. I don't have a precious little girl to show off or brag about. There's no brag book. There's no pictures of her first tooth. Her first smile. Blah. I just feel BLAH.


Ebe said...

Remembering little Emily this Christmas.


Lianne said...

The holidays are hard w/o our babies. I feel that time has been going by all too fast. It seems like just yesterday, it was last Christmas and everyone was rubbing my showing belly. Depression hurts me all over, and what I hate is that there are days when I function just fine, and all of a sudden find myself drowning in tears.

But remember, we are strong women that can get through this. We have endured pain that most naive women in the world do not even know exists. We can do this.

<3, Lianne