Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Two weeks and five days...

... just two weeks and five days away from Emily Anne's birthday, the day that we met her, the day we got to hold her in our arms, the day that we had to tuck her in and walk away as the nurse said,"I'll take good care of her" as I was wheeled away into my recovery room.. My recovery room that wasn't in the MICC (Mother and Infant Care Center), but it was on the other side of the hospital in the surgical unit.. where patients were recovering from surgery, where I wouldn't be able to hear the sound of newborns crying. That day was tough. And that anniversary is coming up and I don't know how I'm going to handle it.

I've been really wanting to go to visit Emily, but the weather has been horrible over here in California. Our highways are flooded, there are power outages all over the bay area, and there is a tornado warning. I have never heard of a tornado warning in California. It just doesn't happen. But that's what I also thought when I was pregnant with Emily. Losing your baby before they're even born... that just doesn't happen. But it does. I was so naive and I feel like I wasn't paranoid enough. I didn't do my kick counts like I should have. I didn't trust my motherly instinct when I didn't feel her moving as much. I always go through what I could have done to prevent it. What I could have done to protect my baby. I had one job, to bring my baby into this world safe and sound.. and I couldn't even do that. What will happen when I'm pregnant with our 3rd child?

Seeing babies is just as hard as ever. One of my close friends is having a baby. A babygirl. That one got me. I'm also planning her baby shower with a few of my closest friends. It's a little difficult for me, but I think I'm just sucking it up because I know I would want someone to suck it up for me.

I've been really thinking about having another baby, but I know I can't. I'm not physically nor am I emotionally ready for it. There are just those days where I feel like I just really want a baby to care for. A perfectly healthy newborn. I hope that I'm not the only one that feels like this after having lost a beautiful baby at 36 weeks gestation. After being so excited to have the 2nd granddaughter to add to my mom's 6 grandchildren. Emily would have been her 7th grandchild. Lucky #7. Our little angel. Oh how I miss her. Her blanket that she used no longer has the newborn smell to it anymore since I've slept with it and have probably sniffed all of that scent off of it. I wish it had that smell still. So I can have something to hold onto. Something more than just memories.

I realized that I have never posted the details of what happened. I don't know if I can. But I should. I think that if I talk about it and share it, those who read this will understand why I am so messed up sometimes. See from my eyes. Maybe I will post Emily's story in two weeks and five days...


Ebe said...

I would like to hear what know you and Emily better.

I can't believe she's been gone almost a year. Missing her with you.


chi said...

i love you. and your family