Saturday, February 5, 2011

Almost two years..

I haven't been on here forever. I've been so caught up with school and work that I don't even have time to sit down and write down my feelings. But I know I should and I need to. For myself.

As Emily Anne's 2nd birthday gets closer and closer, I find myself going back to the last few weeks that I had with her, the day that we found out she died before she was even born, my labor, and her funeral. I can't believe it's been two years. All the usual stuff triggers tears: sad movies, people dying, someone else crying, etc. But as her 2nd birthday approaches, the 2nd birthday that we have to celebrate without actually celebrating it, the tears come more frequently. I can only imagine how much of a character she would have been by now. She would have most likely going through the early stages of the terrible twos, running instead of walking, saying more words.. I wish we were able to witness her grow up. My heart aches for those moments. For her.

The happiness I use to feel for pregnant women has disappeared. All I feel is jealousy. Sadness. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and I silently sit there praying for them that they won't go through the same thing I did. I'm just jealous that I can't be back in that state of bliss, but at the same not being aware that these things do happen. Baby loss is such a taboo subject and I hate that it is because if it weren't, more women would be more aware of the bad things that could happen and maybe my type of situation could be prevented.

My older sister is pregnant again and I haven't touched her belly. I use to be the girl that always wanted to rub pregnant bellies and feel babies kick. That girl is no longer there. And I hate that. I want to be the girl that I use to be. I want to be the girl with both angels on earth and not one in heaven. I want to be able to hold my baby girl and and never let her go. But we all want a lot of things. I try to keep telling myself that it will be okay. I will be truly happy again one day. Until that day..