Friday, April 24, 2009

Stuck, with no where to go.

I haven't posted in a week, even though I wanted to. I just feel like there's nothing left of me and I'm just living day to day. I try my best to be normal.. still live my life and let Emily Anne live through me. But it's hard.

Our little man, Ethan Jordan, turns 2 tomorrow! We had a birthday party for him last night at Chuck E Cheese's and the turnout was great!

Ethan had a follow-up doctor's appointment with the surgeon that inserted his G-tube. Our appointment was at 3:15PM. We arrived a few minutes before 3 and we didn't get called in til about 4:15.. Ethan was measured and weighed and then we waited til about 5:00 to see the doctor and all she did was take out his stitches... We waited TWO HOURS. I was so upset. But I guess at the clinic, other doctors only see 7 patients throughout the day. Dr. Butler (the surgeon) had to see 22 patients yesterday cause she is only at the clinic once a week.

While we were waiting to be called in.. I was sitting there and there were tons of parents with their babies surrounding us. Most were babygirls... And there was also one little girl that was wearing a cute little purple polka-dotted dress. It was the same dress that my friend Julie bought for Emily. The same dress that is stashed away with the rest of the her clothes that she will never wear. I felt so trapped because here I am... grieving over the loss of my daughter and seeing babies everywhere did not help me at all. Tears filled my eyes as I started to think about what Emily would be doing now.. would she have a crazy personality and want all of our attention or would she have been the most mellow baby ever..

I took a few deep breaths so that no one would think I was crazy for crying while waiting to be called in for a follow-up.

I haven't gone to the cemetary to visit Emily since last week and I've been feeling like I've been missing something and I realized that going to visit her and replacing her flowers frequently brings back memories of the day that I had her... the day that was filled with so much joy and more sorrow. But I had her... I got to hold her in my arms... I got to kiss her soft little chubby cheek... and I'm thankful for that. Many mothers aren't able to hold their little ones.