Monday, March 16, 2009

A little lost

WARNING: A lot of venting follows.

I really don't know what blogging will do for me, but one of my new friends, Jaimee, started one and it somehow led to a blog of a woman who had also lost a child due to an umbilical cord accident. It somehow gives me a place to escape.. to not keep anything in. It has always been hard for me to say exactly what's on my mind. I would think things through and it would just stay on the tip of my tongue and I would never be able to say it outloud. You would think that it's hard for Erwin and I to communicate, but we somehow do.

It's been 5 weeks and 1 day since I gave birth to my little girl. Things have been hard for me, but I'll never admit it to anyone and I'll never let it show. I think about her constantly. I've been having really disturbing dreams about her and I wake up not knowing how to analyze that dream. I don't think you could even call it a dream. It was more like a nightmare. I don't even wanna think about it anymore. I've been going on this website called SHARE and it was created for mothers who have preemies that are in the NICU fighting for their lives or those who have lost their babies. Whether it was because of prematurity and the baby just wasn't developed enough to survive or if their 39 weeker was a stillborn. It devastates me to know that so many innocent babies die everyday because due to prematurity or are stillborn and no one can tell the parents why.

For those of you who do not know what happened and are wondering what my blog title means, I am the mother of two perfect little angels. At 35 weeks and 4 days gestation, our Earth Angel, Ethan Jordan, was born on April 25, 2007 @ 10:47AM. Because of a placental abruption, Ethan suffered severe brain damage and spent 5 weeks in the NICU. He is almost 2 years old and is slowly thriving through this imperfect life. When Ethan was just a little over a year old, I got pregnant with our second child. We were ecstatic when we found out it was a girl! At 35 weeks and 6 days gestation, we found out our babygirl no longer had heartbeat. Emily Anne was born into God's arms on February 8, 2009 @ 1:40AM.

My journey through all of this has been overwhelming. I have so many questions that are unanswered and they will never be answered. I'm trying to understand this imperfect life that I am living. Why did it have to be me? Am I being punished? Why couldn't someone just give me a sign to know that my baby was struggling inside my womb? Why didn't I go in that Wednesday when I felt her movements decreasing? I feel guilty, angry, lost, confused... UGH someone help me.

Yesterday, Erwin & I finally went to go return some of the things we received during Emily Anne's baby shower. I didn't show it, but it was killing me inside. I didn't wanna let go. I didn't want reality to set in. Although it's been over a month, I still feel like this is all so surreal. I tell myself that my baby is gone, but I just wish that she wasn't. I don't think that anyone or anything can fill this void in my heart. Things will never be the same.

I've been going back to Emily's grave every weekend and I think to myself... I can't believe I'm here... standing over my daughter's grave. Is this really how life should be? A parent burying their child? I then become selfish and wish for just one more moment with my babygirl... just a few more minutes holding my angel... whether she was alive or not. I miss her so much...

I'm emotionally exhausted. Til next time.


Ebe said...

Wendee, I am so, so sorry. Emily is a beautiful name. Please know that I am here for whatever you need. I will listen if you want to vent and scream. I did a lot of screaming in the beginning.

I am so sorry.

Keisha Valentina said...

Wendee, I am so sorry for your loss. I am remembering Emily's precious life and lifting your family up in prayer. There is healing in writing although very hard to do. I pray that you would continue on the journey and know that your sisters in Christ are praying for you.

Love to you and yours.