Just one of those days...

So it has been 2 days since Ethan was discharged from the hospital with the NG-tube. That thing looks so uncomfortable, and sometimes he doesn't even tolerate his feeds and ends up throwing it all up. You can tell that it's hard for him to swallow and control his secretions because he has a tube going down his throat. My poor little man.. and to top that off, he has had a fever since yesterday morning, but it hasn't been high enough for us to take him into urgent care. So, I'm gonna wait it out a little longer to see if it'll go away. I just hope and pray that he doesn't have an infection. Another week of this... I hate having to see him go through this. I was up at 5AM because I heard Ethan coughing, so I picked him up and he kept crying and whining and I didn't know what to do to make him more comfortable or make him feel better. I got so frustrated because I couldn't soothe my own son. I then looked down at Emily Anne's clothes and it made things a whole lot worse. I was frustrated & sad all at the same time. It would have been hard caring for both of my babies, but sometimes I feel like it's so much harder without her here. Only because I'm emotionally drained and it makes me feel so tired sometimes. Maybe I'm being overdramatic.

I made my (almost) daily visit to Emily's grave yesterday to water her grass and leave a couple of things for her. I also picked up her fetal death certificate. A temporary marker was put on her grave until her actual marker is made. Who would have thought that I would be looking at my daughter's name on a grave marker and a death certificate... I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will.. I miss her..

An angel in the book of life

Wrote down your date of birth,
And whispered as she closed the book,
"Too beautiful for this Earth"