Wednesday, March 25, 2009

It hurts.

I am at the hospital with Ethan because he needs to have a NG-tube put in through his nose into his belly to temporarily nourish him until we can get penciled in for the insertion of a G-tube. I've spent too much time at this hospital... I feel like I know everyone here and I don't even need procedures read to me anymore. I know what to sign and where to sign, and how to work the machines even.

You know you've been here enough when nurses recognize you. She asked me,"You've been here before, right?" And I said yes. Then she asks,"Do you have any other children?" and I said no... I did it again. I have forsaken my babygirl once again and I apologize dearly. It just didn't come naturally to me... to say that I have a daughter.. who is no longer living.. who died before she could even take a breath of fresh air. It's still very surreal to me. I hate having to walk by her stack of diapers that we received at our baby shower. Her pretty pink Boppy bouncer that I wish I could've opened and built just for her. It hurts. A lot.

I got a call from my OB today and she said that all the labs we took the day I went to hospital were all normal. The placenta was sent for studies and there were no signs of infection or genetic disorders. She would have been a perfect, healthy, baby girl. OUR perfect babygirl.


Ebe said...

I'm so sorry, Wendee.

I hope Ethan is well soon. I'm sorry he needs this procedure.

Your Emily Anne is perfect.

jaimee said...

Wendee..reading your post got me crying a little bit because I had flashbacks of my experience at UCSF. It sucked having to go back..and it's like you know you've been hospitalized quite a few times if the nurses remember who you and your child are. I'll be praying for your little Ethan. I was scared for Nathan to get a g-tube too..we were planning on just getting the procedure done after his birthday and so for the mean time he had an NG tube placed. Know that I am proud of your little boy..he's such a tough cookie. Also known that you're very special in God's eyes. He specifically chose you to be Ethan & Emily's mommy. I can't tell you why God would let such things happen because I honestly have no idea but hold on to your faith because God will be your source of strength no matter what you go through. Use your strength as a testimony to others because not anybody can say they've experienced what you've been through.Just watching you endure everything that you've been through amazes me. Oh and with people asking you if you have another child..I know what you mean =( Yesterday a guy asked me if I had any kids..I paused and was about to say no..but ended up saying "I used to"..For now you are still a mother of two and I'm still the mother of a little boy named Nathan.

On another note. My spring break starts April 6th..Let's plan something more than just lunch! Even like a mani or pedi day =) Stay strong and know that you're not alone.