Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy St. Patrick's Day

My daughter lives through me and through those who also love and miss her much as Erwin and I do. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be going out. As if I'm betraying my daughter because I am not at home grieving. But I should live my life and do normal things so that my daughter's spirit lives on. Right? I feel like I'm being judged by others, but maybe it's just me.

Erwin, Ethan, Katie, Kim, Julie, Ronalyn, and I went to go visit Emily today for St. Patrick's Day. Her first St. Patty's day. It's a little bittersweet. I miss her dearly, but I am at ease knowing that she will never be tainted by the bad things in this world. There is a little boy that is right next to Emily and he was stillborn on August 2006. His plot is empty and it looks like it hasn't been visited in a long time. I stood there thinking to myself, did his family forget about him? Or is it too hard for the family to come back to something that brings back really bad memories? I don't know. I just hope that when I go back to visit Emily.. that there will still be flowers and little gifts from those who have not forgotten her. As my first daughter, and maybe my only daughter, she will forever be etched in my memory.

I had a lot of things that I wanted to blog about this morning, but I completely forgot what. Great..


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jaimee said...

I know exactly how you feel about the whole going out situation. sometimes I'd think well maybe it's better that I go out and have some fresh air and just socialize with people again..but then sometimes I feel like since I'm a grieving mother I shouldn't be going out at all. It's really tough but only time will slowly heal our wound. I'm sure Nathan & Emily would want us to eventually be happy again..I don't know how long it'll take for that to happen..but someday it will. For now be good to yourself. If you can smile then smile..if you can laugh, even better. Don't trip off of what other people think or have to say.