The Holidays

It's been quite a while since my last post. I find myself not knowing what to say or thinking that maybe what I do have to say will offend someone or just not make any sense. You have no idea how many drafts I have saved since my last post.

The day that marked 10 months since I held Emily in my arms just passed and it was a little more difficult than all the other months. I'm not sure why. I really d0n't know how I'm going to get through her 1st Angel Day... She is still the last thing on my mind at night and that gets really difficult. I start thinking about her and there are time where I cry myself to sleep. I've been missing a lot of my son's appointments because it just slips my mind. Is this depression? I'm lost and confused.

A fellow blogger just recently gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy after giving birth to her beautiful stillborn daughter in August 2008. I imagine that I will one day be able to get to that day. The day that I am able to deliver a perfectly healthy baby that I am able to cuddle with and feed and change diapers for. I always sit there and think that I will never get to that point. That for some unknown reason... I'm not meant to have a healthy baby. I'm really hoping that I'm wrong. Sometimes I can't help but to think this and it breaks my heart.. that everyone I know can have healthy babies except me. I feel like a child that's whining because I can't have what I want.. Does every grieving mother feel like this?

I love my angel baby. I love her so much that it hurts. When anyone asks how many kids I have.. I hate having to tell them that my son is 2 1/2 and my daughter passed away this past February before she was even born. My heart is breaking everyday that passes without her in my arms.

My closest friends always have an annual Christmas party where we exchange gifts, eat and generally just have a great time together. I was 7 months pregnant during our last party. It breaks my heart that I have nothing to show for that. I don't have a precious little girl to show off or brag about. There's no brag book. There's no pictures of her first tooth. Her first smile. Blah. I just feel BLAH.

Letting go

I thought I would never be able to live my life again after giving birth to a baby that didn't have a heartbeat. It has been extremely tough... but I'm doing a lot better than I ever imagined. I miss her terribly. My heart aches everyday knowing that I can't hold my babygirl.

My sister just gave birth to a perfectly healthy babygirl. Her name is Makayla Lynn. Sweet Makayla. I love her so much already. When my sister was pregnant, I didn't want to get attached to the baby. Probably because my sister went through 2 miscarriages before Makayla. And because I'm traumatized after losing Emily. I was there when Makayla was born and it was probably the hardest thing I had to see since giving birth to Emily. I stood there smiling as the doctors put a crying baby onto my sister's chest, but inside I was crying for Emily. I held back my tears as I joined in on the smiles around the room. I am happy for my sister.. but I tried so hard to not run out of that hospital room crying.

Since then, I've tried to toughen up. I kept all of Emily's clothes, diapers, and brand new bouncer that we never took out of the box from the baby shower. But I decided to give it to baby Makayla. I decided to let go. Not because I want to forget Emily, but because I want to try to move on. Emily will forever be in my heart... I will one day be able to hold her in my arms and never let go. Until that day..


After 7 months... Emily's grave marker was finally made and placed after the funeral coordinator failed to order it initially...

It's been a while

I haven't been blogging lately. Not because I don't have anything to say... but because everything that I want to blog about is always the same thing. I miss Emily. I saw a babygirl today and she reminded me of Emily.

My sister is now 32 weeks pregnant and it has been confirmed that she's having a girl. Little Mikayla Lynne. Before I lost Emily, I was always so excited to touch a pregnant woman's belly and feel her baby kicking away inside her. Now... when I see my sister, I feel nothing. I don't wanna touch her belly or even hear about the baby kicking. I think I just feel like if it's not my baby that will be delivered healthy and well.... then I don't want to create a bond with it. Or I just feel so much pain when I do feel a baby kicking cause that was the last thing I felt of our little Emily. I felt her kicking that morning... then just 8 hours later... no heartbeat. Her last movement was her kicking. That's it. It hurts a lot to think that I never got to hear my baby cry or breastfeed her when my milk started coming in.

I look at my stomach and there are still stretch marks from my growing baby inside me that never took a breath on this earth. Four years from now is when I want to try for another baby.. when Ethan is 6. I think that when I do get pregnant.... those 9 months will be harder than these 4 years....

Imy, Emilybaby.

It's so hard....

As I get further and further away from the day that I saw my babygirl... the harder it gets. It gets to the point where I dunno what to do to help myself... I cry, but it doesn't really help. I keep telling myself that if I would just pull out her clothes, maybe it'll give me closure or something. Sometimes I feel like I was never pregnant or that I never had a daughter because she's not here... because we only have one crib now as oppose to 2.... because I still have an unopened bouncer and a bunch of newborn diapers. It hurts soooooo much and I don't know what to do.

I recently started working so I don't have a lot of time to go visit Emily anymore. Not as much as I use to. Ethan is getting so big so it's hard to take him anywhere. So, most of the time we just stay home.





She would have been 4 months old. Probably in a size 2 diaper, wearing size 3 - 6 months... probably size 2 in shoes cause she had big feet.... she probably would've been smiling at us like she did when we did the 3D/4D ultrasound. Her personality would've been coming out. Probably outrageous like me and mellow like her daddy. I imagine she would've been just like me... grumpy when she's sleepy and hungry, sleeping all day long... crazy when she's hyper and awake... then she would have her lazy days where she isn't in the mood for anything. My mini me. Gosh I miss her. I've thought about writing letters to her. Sounds weird right? But it has always been easier for me to write down my words than saying them.


Emilybaby... we haven't and will never forget about you. I miss & love you. Watch over your big brother. He needs your help.

Love, Mommy.

Grief is taking over

It's settling in as today marks the 4th month since the death and birth of our babygirl. I don't know how to handle it. God help me...

It's a girl!

My older sister is pregnant and she is having a girl! I'm full of a lot of emotions. I'm seriously happy and ecstatic for her because she went through 2 miscarriages before this pregnancy. Everytime I go see Emily, I tell her to watch over her baby cousin to make sure that she's okay and as much as she wants another friend to play with in Heaven, we want her baby cousin to be here.

At the same time, it makes me a little sad because I just wish that Emily could be here... and our little girls could grow up together and be really close like my cousins and I. It's a little bittersweet.



We went to our friend's bbq yesterday and one of them said to Erwin and I,"When are you guys gonna have another kid? I wanna see you guys have a daughter." We do have a daughter... she's just not here with us. Then I said I'm not ready to have another baby. It hasn't even been 4 months yet. He said that stuff happens and that we should keep trying and that his mom had 2 miscarriages. And I said that it wasn't a miscarriage. If that cord wasn't around her neck and I delivered her, she would have survived as oppose to a baby that is less than 20 weeks. I'm not saying that babies under 20 weeks are less significant that babies that are over 20 weeks.. but she was almost full term. I got to cradle her in my arms. It just really hit the spot when he said that to me... as if Emily didn't exist. It hurt. A lot. He didn't realize it, but I sat there with tears stinging my eyes as I tried to hold myself together. I haven't felt like that in a while...

What hurts the most

I found this image on PostSecret. For those of you that don't know about it, this guy has people send in their secrets on a postcard and he publishes them. Some are just little secrets and some are HUGE secrets that are shocking. Everyone has secrets.

So this was sent in by Anonymous and when I read it, it hurt me a lot and I really don't know what. Possibly because I hate the fact that I can relate to it because I lost my baby.... and we did take pictures of her during her funeral. And this person doesn't understand what their friend or whoever is going through... What I'm trying to get at is if you don't understand what I'm going through, at least keep an open mind and know that Emily was still our baby. We took pictures of her because she is our baby and regardless of whether or not she was dead, those are the only pictures that we will ever have of her. We won't have pictures of her first smile, the first time she crawls or is able to sit on her own, or walks. We won't have that. The only pictures we have of her are lifeless. Her little body was lifeless. I won't have pictures that make me smile because she's smiling in it.

I only have pictures of her... with her eyes closed... her cold skin, no smiles... And that's what hurts the most.

Officially missing you

I had a dream last night.

I dreamed that I was pregnant again.. and that we lost the baby, again.

This terrifies me. I will never be able to be pregnant with our third without worrying every second and every minute of everyday during my pregnancy, that something will go terribly wrong.

I told my best friend about my dream and I told him that I can't even carry a child to 40 weeks and deliver them safely into world. I can't even go past 36 weeks for that matter. And he said do you think there's a test that tells you if you can have babies. I can definitely have babies... I just can't bring them to term.


Mother's day came and went. It was easy, but hard at the same time. I'm at ease knowing that one day I will spend Mother's Day with Emily in my arms. One day I will hold her again. I wait patiently for that day.

Pictures can say a thousand words.

Why can't I find those words to describe this pain....

Stuck, with no where to go.

I haven't posted in a week, even though I wanted to. I just feel like there's nothing left of me and I'm just living day to day. I try my best to be normal.. still live my life and let Emily Anne live through me. But it's hard.

Our little man, Ethan Jordan, turns 2 tomorrow! We had a birthday party for him last night at Chuck E Cheese's and the turnout was great!

Ethan had a follow-up doctor's appointment with the surgeon that inserted his G-tube. Our appointment was at 3:15PM. We arrived a few minutes before 3 and we didn't get called in til about 4:15.. Ethan was measured and weighed and then we waited til about 5:00 to see the doctor and all she did was take out his stitches... We waited TWO HOURS. I was so upset. But I guess at the clinic, other doctors only see 7 patients throughout the day. Dr. Butler (the surgeon) had to see 22 patients yesterday cause she is only at the clinic once a week.

While we were waiting to be called in.. I was sitting there and there were tons of parents with their babies surrounding us. Most were babygirls... And there was also one little girl that was wearing a cute little purple polka-dotted dress. It was the same dress that my friend Julie bought for Emily. The same dress that is stashed away with the rest of the her clothes that she will never wear. I felt so trapped because here I am... grieving over the loss of my daughter and seeing babies everywhere did not help me at all. Tears filled my eyes as I started to think about what Emily would be doing now.. would she have a crazy personality and want all of our attention or would she have been the most mellow baby ever..

I took a few deep breaths so that no one would think I was crazy for crying while waiting to be called in for a follow-up.



I haven't gone to the cemetary to visit Emily since last week and I've been feeling like I've been missing something and I realized that going to visit her and replacing her flowers frequently brings back memories of the day that I had her... the day that was filled with so much joy and more sorrow. But I had her... I got to hold her in my arms... I got to kiss her soft little chubby cheek... and I'm thankful for that. Many mothers aren't able to hold their little ones.

Precious child

I found this video on YouTube and it perfectly describes how I feel.

Reassurance

It's late.. I should be sleeping, but here I am... lurking around other blogs and thinking about our Emily, as usual. Ethan's surgery is tomorrow. I'm nervous and I'm hoping that everything goes well and he won't have to spend more than one night in the PICU.


I stumbled upon a blog (the blog world for grieving mothers is GREAT and has been exceptionally helpful to me) and instead of doing 25 random things on facebook the normal way, she did it the bereaved way. So I thought I should it too. So here it goes.

25 facts (give or take) about my pregnancy, my labor, and our baby girl, Emily Anne.

1. | I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was almost 5 months pregnant. It was October 6, 2008. My due date was March 7, 2008. I know, how could I have not known!!!!

2. | I had plenty of girl names picked out, but we narrowed it down to 2. Kaelynn Marie and Emily Anne. While my good friend Julie and I were shopping for my baby shower invitations, Emily Anne was the name on a sample birth announcement. That day, our minds were set on Emily Anne and I'm glad we chose that name... the name of an angel. :)

3.| My baby shower was on January 24, 2009. I was exactly 34 weeks pregnant. Emily kicked at my ribs the whole time.

4.| On February 6, 2009, I had my 36 week check-up. I felt her kicking that morning. This was the day we found out our babygirl no longer had a heartbeat. I had no words and I even asked the doctors if they were sure. They showed me the ultrasound and where there is usually a little flickering speck... there was no movement. The doctors showed it to me when I asked them to make sure again when I went to the hospital.

5.| I was induced on 2.6.09 at about 7PM. I delivered Emily on 2.8.09 at 1:40AM. Nearly 31 hours laboring for our babygirl who we wouldn't hear cry when she arrived..

6. | Emily Anne DeCastro was born on February 8, 2009 at 1:40AM weighing in at 4lbs. 15.8ounces and measured 19 inches long. We didn't know the reason for her death until she was delivered. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck 4 times and so tight.. that there was no longer any blood in the cord.

7.| Emily definitely had her dad's height, but she had my features; round face, big cheeks, button nose. She was so tall and lanky... with big beautiful eyes, eyebrows and LONG eyelashes that were already visible.

8.| My wonderful nurse, Leanne, cried with our family when she saw Emily. She said that she has never seen the cord wrapped around a baby that many times before.

9.| Emily Anne's viewing was held on 2.17.09 and her burial was on 2.18.09 (my mom's birthday) on a sunny day that was suppose to be rainy. She was wearing a cute little summer dress and pink cardigan that my sister bought for her and she was wearing cute little booties that Auntie Ronalyn bought for her. She was buried with a bunny from Uncle Andy, a giraffe from Auntie Lisa, an outfit from Auntie Kim, an outfit from Auntie Jen and Uncle John, 2 bottles and a pacifier that I had bought for her just 1 week before, and a winnie the pooh blanket from Great Auntie Kathy that had her named embroidered on it.

10.| I used to be scared to go to the cemetary.... scared to even just drive by one. But now I feel comfortable going alone. It saddens me that my daughter's death is what helped me get over my fear.

11.| I have cried everyday since her birth and death.. The amount of tears are generally less on some days.

12.| I love talking about her. So please don't feel uncomfortable if you happen to bring her up by accident. Or don't hesitate to ask about her.

13.| I hate those general responses... like "It'll be okay." "I know how you feel." If you have not lost your child, you will never know how it feels.

14.| We still have all of her clothes that we received from the baby shower.. tucked away under Ethan's crib and some more in a container in our closet. I washed and folded everything just 2 days before I was induced..

15.| My heart aches when I see babies, especially baby girls... which is literally everywhere I go. But it also makes me smile... possibly giving me hope that I will one day be able to hold our perfectly healthy third child.

16.| I always look through babygirl clothes before I go shopping for Ethan.

17.| I am positive that Emily would've been a gymnast. I felt her literally doing tumbles inside my belly.

18.| I don't think I've hit the worst part of grieving yet. I am still in the early stages.

19.| Emily is the 2nd granddaughter in our family. My niece is 12 so you can imagine how excited we were for her arrival.

20.| We don't have any pictures of her visible in our room. Not because we wanna forget her, but because it's extremely painful for me. I think seeing her pictures online and on everyone's profiles is enough for me.

21.| My calendar for the month of February/March is still up. I can't bring myself to erase it and write in the days for April because it has the day we were suppose to attend our childbirth class 2.7.09 and her due date 3.7.09

22.| On most days, I blame myself for her death... thinking that I could've done something to prevent it.

23.| It took me over a month to figure out what I wanted written on her grave marker.

24.| She would have been 2 months and 1 week old today.

25.| What I miss about her most: waking up to her kicks and tumbles.

A lot of these things are random, and I will one day put more thought and effort into editing this. But for now... at 1AM... this is what comes to mind.

Referring to #12 and the title to this entry...

I saw Maryanne on Friday night when I went to visit my Edgie's family. It was first time I've seen her since Emily's death. She hugged me and asked me how I was doing... of course it meant not how I was doing today, but how I was doing in general. I then said I'm doing okay.. and she talked about how she was so shocked when she saw my pictures posted of Emily and I could tell that tears were stinging her eyes as I talked a little of what happened. She didn't ask me what happened. I just told her. Because I know how hard it is to ask someone what happened knowing that it brings back painful memories. But I love talking her. There are days where it is harder than others to talk about Emily... but it helps me. A lot. So please... I reassure you that I'm okay with talking about her. I will gladly spill my heart out to you if you ask of me. I'm not sure if I make sense.

It's late.



Happy Tuesday.

Love, Wendee

Happy Easter

I miss my Emily. Especially today. It's Easter. It would have been her very first Easter and her very first egg hunt, even if she is only 2 months old. I think all holidays will be hard for me because something will always be missing. Our angel baby will always be missing from our family pictures. I held back my tears today when I went shopping for some things to put on her grave. There are times where I don't even have the words to describe how I feel. Even now.. in all my blogs, I'm lost and I can never find the right words to express myself.

I am still encountering some friends that are not aware of our situation or what happened with Emily. I saw an old co-worker at Best Buy when I went to drop off some soup for my sister and he said to me,"How are your kids?" It was like taking a bullet... I just answered back, "They're fine." He doesn't know that our daughter is gone. He just knows that I had her and he thinks that everything is fine. But everything isn't fine.. everything is empty and different.

I also saw someone yesterday that I haven't seen in a couple of months. So, the last time I saw him.. I was still pregnant with Emily. And he just asked me how I was doing and then he says, "You have two now, right?" and I answered,"I do have two, but one is in heaven." It's hard to say that... I don't think it gets any easier.

On another note, I love it when friends and family say that they have gone to visit Emily. She was so very special and we were all anxious to meet her. It's unfortunate that as soon as we said hello, we had to say goodbye. But I'm glad that she has made a difference in our lives and I'm not the only one that misses and remembers her. So for that, I thank each and every one of you for thinking of her and visiting her. It is very much appreciated. I also love it when I go visit her grave and there are little gifts left by others. I don't know who leaves them, but if you are reading this.. thank you so much. :)

Happy Easter.

<3, Wendee

Dreams

Dreams are all I have of our sweet Emily Anne. I dreamed of her last night. But I have a tendency to wake up remembering my dreams and then 5 minutes later... that memory is completely gone.

It was a happy dream. I was happy with Emily in my arms. That's all I can remember.

An update on Ethan:
Ethan has been doing well. We got discharged on Saturday afternoon. He hasn't been needing a lot of suctioning of his nose and mouth, which is really good. He still kind of coughs up phlegm every now and then, but is good about not choking on it. He stops his antibiotics on Sunday and has surgery on Tuesday. In addition to inserting a gastrostomy tube, the surgeon is also going to do a Nissin fundoplication. Basically, the fundoplication allows anything to go into his stomach, but nothing can go back up. That way, he can't aspirate anything into his lungs and develop pneumonia again. They did an upper GI X-ray and found that Ethan was refluxing anything that was going down his esophagus. I hope and pray that after the surgery, he recovers quickly and is able to get off the respirator in time for his 2nd birthday on the 25th! He's getting so big and he looks more and more like a little man everyday.

It's been raining which means it's snowing. I haven't been able to go snowboarding at all this season. We did go to Tahoe in the beginning of the year, but I was pregnant with Emily, so I stayed off the slopes. Hopefully I'll be able to go at least once before the snow melts.



I'm sorry. I'm scattered all over the place.

Two months.

Happy 2 months to our angel baby, Emily Anne. <3

Angry

I'm angry. At everything. At the world. At myself...

Ever since Emily Anne was born on February 8, 2009.. friends and also friends of friends have been delivering perfectly healthy babies. I know of not one... not two... but six other babies that were born completely healthy. Two of which were twins. I can't help but to be jealous. Jealous that I was not able to hear my baby cry after 29 hours of laboring for her... Jealous that their car ride home was full of joy and happiness.. and ours was full of sorrow and emptiness. I cannot sit here any longer and tell myself that this is okay. This is unfair. I would have given my little Emily the world. I was so ready for her. So prepared for her arrival. I was ready to have mother-daughter time while Ethan and Erwin had father-son time. I was ready to have a perfect little family of four. Am I being unreasonable? I'm being selfish and I'll openly admit it. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for my friends and I wish them the best of luck. I am also grateful for what I already have, my Ethanbaby. But this is really unfair and I wanna scream it at the top of my lungs so the whole world knows... They say that God won't give you anything that you can't handle. But did He have to make it this hard? Why did Emily's fate have to include her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck 4 times?

But we'll never know why... I am hoping that I will one day find peace.. Til that day.

Crumbling down...

Here we are again.. less than a week later. Ethanbaby is in the hospital again. After being discharged on Friday, Ethan was throwing up his bolus feeds that were going through his NG-tube. We called the nurse and she said she didn't know why he would be throwing up and maybe we should try feeding him slower. So we did, and he did okay. He then developed a fever of 102 on Saturday. I took him to urgent care on Sunday and they said that his lungs sounded really good and he probably just has a respiratory virus. So we get sent home and given a follow up appointment the following day.

To make a long story short, Ethan has had a fever for 5 days now and was admitted into the hospital last night because they found that he had a little bit of pneumonia in the upper area of his right lung. My poor baby! I was so upset yesterday because although he aspirates his solid food, he was always really good about protecting his airway and coughing anything that got into it. Since they put the NG-tube in, it looks like he's been refluxing and has not been able to control his secretions. The NG-tube was suppose to make things better and keep him away from getting pneumonia, but it looks like it only made things worse. I think he would've been okay with oral feeds until his surgery on Tuesday, April 7th. Once again he has the doctors stumped. They don't know what exactly caused the pneumonia. They can only make some guesses by process of elimination.

As of this afternoon, Ethan no longer has a fever and is being given antibiotics for his pneumonia. They have him on a continuous feed through the Kangaroo pump throughout the day and he has been tolerating it well. I hate seeing him the hospital. But he's showing little signs of improvement. He's being a tough little guy, like always.

To add to all of this chaos, I am also sick. I've had a cough for about a week now AND I have allergies. So, it's a double whammy for me. Yesterday, I just felt so weak and I felt like I wanted to give up. There were so many things go on inside of my head. When I was talking to the doctors, I started tearing up because I was just so frustrated and tired. It makes it even harder that we're in the same hospital that I delivered Emily in. I miss her. Everything about this place reminds me of her. I hope she's hovering right over her big brother and is giving him the strength to get through this. I'm crumbling. God help me.... please give me the strength and the ability to get through this...

Just one of those days...

So it has been 2 days since Ethan was discharged from the hospital with the NG-tube. That thing looks so uncomfortable, and sometimes he doesn't even tolerate his feeds and ends up throwing it all up. You can tell that it's hard for him to swallow and control his secretions because he has a tube going down his throat. My poor little man.. and to top that off, he has had a fever since yesterday morning, but it hasn't been high enough for us to take him into urgent care. So, I'm gonna wait it out a little longer to see if it'll go away. I just hope and pray that he doesn't have an infection. Another week of this... I hate having to see him go through this. I was up at 5AM because I heard Ethan coughing, so I picked him up and he kept crying and whining and I didn't know what to do to make him more comfortable or make him feel better. I got so frustrated because I couldn't soothe my own son. I then looked down at Emily Anne's clothes and it made things a whole lot worse. I was frustrated & sad all at the same time. It would have been hard caring for both of my babies, but sometimes I feel like it's so much harder without her here. Only because I'm emotionally drained and it makes me feel so tired sometimes. Maybe I'm being overdramatic.

I made my (almost) daily visit to Emily's grave yesterday to water her grass and leave a couple of things for her. I also picked up her fetal death certificate. A temporary marker was put on her grave until her actual marker is made. Who would have thought that I would be looking at my daughter's name on a grave marker and a death certificate... I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will.. I miss her..

An angel in the book of life

Wrote down your date of birth,
And whispered as she closed the book,
"Too beautiful for this Earth"

It hurts.

I am at the hospital with Ethan because he needs to have a NG-tube put in through his nose into his belly to temporarily nourish him until we can get penciled in for the insertion of a G-tube. I've spent too much time at this hospital... I feel like I know everyone here and I don't even need procedures read to me anymore. I know what to sign and where to sign, and how to work the machines even.

You know you've been here enough when nurses recognize you. She asked me,"You've been here before, right?" And I said yes. Then she asks,"Do you have any other children?" and I said no... I did it again. I have forsaken my babygirl once again and I apologize dearly. It just didn't come naturally to me... to say that I have a daughter.. who is no longer living.. who died before she could even take a breath of fresh air. It's still very surreal to me. I hate having to walk by her stack of diapers that we received at our baby shower. Her pretty pink Boppy bouncer that I wish I could've opened and built just for her. It hurts. A lot.

I got a call from my OB today and she said that all the labs we took the day I went to hospital were all normal. The placenta was sent for studies and there were no signs of infection or genetic disorders. She would have been a perfect, healthy, baby girl. OUR perfect babygirl.

Emotional wreck

It's 30 minutes past midnight and I'm still awake regardless of how early I have to get up in the morning to get ready for Ethan's visit with his Earlystart teachers. Ethan is still up. He tends to fall asleep around 10 or 11 and then wakes up an hour or so later. His dietician is so concerned about his weight and thinks that his sleeping habits might be a factor. He will be 2 years old next month (4/25) and he is only 17 pounds. He's truly our little man. He hasn't been wanting to drink out of a bottle lately so his pediatrician is recommending that we get a G-tube placed in his belly again. =( I'm praying that he will come around and drink as much Pediasure as possible. He FINALLY started drinking out of his bottle today so I'm hoping that he keeps it up. But I don't know if I should get my hopes up cause when I feel like Ethan is taking a step forward, he takes one step back and falls further behind. Please pray for him!

I've been on edge lately. Sometimes I miss Emily so much that I'll sit there with Ethan in my arms..crying..wishing that I was holding the both of them. She would have been a little over 5 weeks today and I wonder what she would have looked like. She was so beautiful when she was born and I could only imagine how her beauty would have flourished as she got older. I wonder if she would have looked like me when I was a baby. This is so hard...

My sister is pregnant and she had 2 miscarriages prior to this pregnancy. I'm hoping and praying that everything turns out okay for my sister's sake. I don't know if she can endure another loss.

I was thinking today about all of the clothes that were given to Emily at my babyshower and how I had washed and folded all of it, preparing for her arrival, just 2 days before that horrible day... It breaks my heart to see all of it because those clothes are hers... they were meant for her. I put a couple of outfits in her casket with her, but kept the rest. I should have thought to put everything in there because they're hers. It's going to be so hard to give it to someone else's baby.. *sigh* Gosh, I miss her so much.

(Subject jump)

I don't know how I will ever be able to become pregnant again. Throughout my pregnancy with Emily, I was so terrified and paranoid because I was scared that I would have another placental abruption. If or when we are ready to try again, I am going to be extremely, EXTREMELY terrified... I am going to want to hear my baby's heartbeat every minute and every second out of the day. It'll be so nerve-wrecking.

I apologize for being so disorganized, but this is what my mind has been like lately. There are days where I feel like I'm thinking of 1,000,001 things. When will my mind be anywhere close to what it use to be..

Happy St. Patrick's Day

My daughter lives through me and through those who also love and miss her much as Erwin and I do. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be going out. As if I'm betraying my daughter because I am not at home grieving. But I should live my life and do normal things so that my daughter's spirit lives on. Right? I feel like I'm being judged by others, but maybe it's just me.

Erwin, Ethan, Katie, Kim, Julie, Ronalyn, and I went to go visit Emily today for St. Patrick's Day. Her first St. Patty's day. It's a little bittersweet. I miss her dearly, but I am at ease knowing that she will never be tainted by the bad things in this world. There is a little boy that is right next to Emily and he was stillborn on August 2006. His plot is empty and it looks like it hasn't been visited in a long time. I stood there thinking to myself, did his family forget about him? Or is it too hard for the family to come back to something that brings back really bad memories? I don't know. I just hope that when I go back to visit Emily.. that there will still be flowers and little gifts from those who have not forgotten her. As my first daughter, and maybe my only daughter, she will forever be etched in my memory.

I had a lot of things that I wanted to blog about this morning, but I completely forgot what. Great..

A little lost

WARNING: A lot of venting follows.

I really don't know what blogging will do for me, but one of my new friends, Jaimee, started one and it somehow led to a blog of a woman who had also lost a child due to an umbilical cord accident. It somehow gives me a place to escape.. to not keep anything in. It has always been hard for me to say exactly what's on my mind. I would think things through and it would just stay on the tip of my tongue and I would never be able to say it outloud. You would think that it's hard for Erwin and I to communicate, but we somehow do.

It's been 5 weeks and 1 day since I gave birth to my little girl. Things have been hard for me, but I'll never admit it to anyone and I'll never let it show. I think about her constantly. I've been having really disturbing dreams about her and I wake up not knowing how to analyze that dream. I don't think you could even call it a dream. It was more like a nightmare. I don't even wanna think about it anymore. I've been going on this website called SHARE and it was created for mothers who have preemies that are in the NICU fighting for their lives or those who have lost their babies. Whether it was because of prematurity and the baby just wasn't developed enough to survive or if their 39 weeker was a stillborn. It devastates me to know that so many innocent babies die everyday because due to prematurity or are stillborn and no one can tell the parents why.

For those of you who do not know what happened and are wondering what my blog title means, I am the mother of two perfect little angels. At 35 weeks and 4 days gestation, our Earth Angel, Ethan Jordan, was born on April 25, 2007 @ 10:47AM. Because of a placental abruption, Ethan suffered severe brain damage and spent 5 weeks in the NICU. He is almost 2 years old and is slowly thriving through this imperfect life. When Ethan was just a little over a year old, I got pregnant with our second child. We were ecstatic when we found out it was a girl! At 35 weeks and 6 days gestation, we found out our babygirl no longer had heartbeat. Emily Anne was born into God's arms on February 8, 2009 @ 1:40AM.

My journey through all of this has been overwhelming. I have so many questions that are unanswered and they will never be answered. I'm trying to understand this imperfect life that I am living. Why did it have to be me? Am I being punished? Why couldn't someone just give me a sign to know that my baby was struggling inside my womb? Why didn't I go in that Wednesday when I felt her movements decreasing? I feel guilty, angry, lost, confused... UGH someone help me.

Yesterday, Erwin & I finally went to go return some of the things we received during Emily Anne's baby shower. I didn't show it, but it was killing me inside. I didn't wanna let go. I didn't want reality to set in. Although it's been over a month, I still feel like this is all so surreal. I tell myself that my baby is gone, but I just wish that she wasn't. I don't think that anyone or anything can fill this void in my heart. Things will never be the same.

I've been going back to Emily's grave every weekend and I think to myself... I can't believe I'm here... standing over my daughter's grave. Is this really how life should be? A parent burying their child? I then become selfish and wish for just one more moment with my babygirl... just a few more minutes holding my angel... whether she was alive or not. I miss her so much...

I'm emotionally exhausted. Til next time.